The baptism, the family, the friends

Cameron was baptized Saturday. It was a beautiful day. He, as was the rest of my family, as beautiful as one can imagine. We had friends and family there to watch and support us. I felt like the luckiest person in the world. As father gathered us in the front, Uncle Ricky (Parain) held Cam with my sisters (Nanny Nic and Nanny Bran) right beside. Cameron watched Uncle Rick so contently the whole time. He didn't even move when the water was poured over his head. I was waiting for him to start laughing or "talking" because the sound of running water makes him scream with laughter but he was so peaceful and calm instead. For a brief moment, I looked around at all of our family watching, Aunt Terry was crying, mom was taking pictures (Thank Goodness for her) and dad was smiling from ear to ear.
As I listened to Father speak, I realized how truly important that day was, how much it meant. I'm not a religious person although I very much believe in and worship God. It wasn't about that, at least not for me, it was about my promise, Todd's promise, the godparents promise to be there for Cameron, to teach him and raise in the eye's of God. I stood there moved by the words Father spoke, by his kindness and his sincere desire for my child to be brought up knowing God. I knew at that moment that I needed to do my part, I needed to make sure that even on the Sunday's that I don't really feel like getting myself dressed let alone 22 or 3 kids, I need to. And it doesn't matter whether we go to St. Pius, or East Bayou, it matters that we go, as a family, and that we live it.
I used to "watch my mouth" when speaking about God depending on the audience but not so much anymore. I have had some truly amazing things happen in my life since opening my heart to him, not religion, but to God. I am not as judgmental about religion anymore, or about people, or about "things." I'm far from perfect but at least I am better at catching myself now. And I don't think so much coincidence anymore as I do blessing. My life has been enriched by so many people, sometimes I want to shout to the world, or even shake a person to get them to pray.
Speaking of prayer. Grace often says she doesn't know how to pray. Again why Saturday was such an amazing day... I was younger and less mature and in tune to what my true role was a parent when we baptized Grace. We said our prayers at night, but I never really talked to her about God or about prayer. This is my opportunity not only to teach Cameron but to help Grace as well. We're all growing together.
I've rambled quite a bit but in the end, my point is that it was a beuatiful day. My family was there, all the people that mattered most. Madison was front and center, on the verge of bursting with excitement and anticipation of getting her hands on Cameron.
Johnny and Shannon, Aunt Rebakah, PawPaw Bill and Tessi, Nanny Bonnie and Uncle John, Tandy and Clay, Mawmaw Hatti and PawPaw Claude... they were there for Todd and I and for our family. There was no better feeling in the world. It's not like baptizms are fun, and they weren't expecting a catered meal or door prizes, they were simply there to show their love and support for our family.

My journey to spirituality

I've started reading the bible for the first time in 28 years. I was raised baptist and catholic although we didn't attend church. I did attend the occasional bible school class though. As I got older and went to private school for the later of my high school years, I started to steer clear of religion because I simply didn't believe/agree with it. I still harbor some of those feelings today about some but that's neither here nor there.

I'm reading the bible and it's great. I read to Grace every night before bed and because her school is based on God's word, she always has comments or things to add which is great. I digress... In addition to reading the bible I've started keeping a prayer journal. I started this journal following a conversation I'd had with a friend of mine, Missy, one night. That journal has been my saving Grace. I'm not good at praying, can't lead a group of people in prayer without choking or skipping important words but I'm working on it. This journal is my personal relationship with God. I can pray for whomever I want to. I can pray for small things, big little, happy things, sad things. I can simply pray.

When I say my life has changed, I mean it really has changed. There was a time, not that long ago when I was first to jump on the gossip band wagon, it's not so satisfying anymore. I used to be the first to add a curse word to add color to my stories, it doesn't seem to help as much anymore. I was the first to judge a person's ugly shoe's or ill-fitted shirt but it doesn't seem worth it anymore. It seems like all of the negative is going away. This life really is short and even more than it is short, it is precious and I don't want to waste my time arguing, fighting, gossiping and complaining. I have so much to be thankful for and when I can't figure it out or accept it, I pray about it. I replaced the weekly complain/bash sessions with prayer. I write it down and I ask God to help me. I ask him to guide and when necessary I ask him to give me the words I need.

I'm not perfect... I still slip up and I do so more often than not but I'm better at catching myself and stopping before it goes to far. I am better to shifting the negative conversations to positive stuff or just removing myself from it all together.

My relationships have changed. I was a person that wanted to be loved by everyone and sometimes I would exert so much energy trying to be a good person or the person other people needed in order to prove myself that I neglected the people that loved me just the way I was. I've learned to step away and do my best to live my life according to God's standard and no one else's. If I'm not the person you need, want and/or expect, that's ok with me now. I wish you the best of luck in the finding the person that is. And if you don't and you're willing to settle, I'll be there when you need.

God has opened my eyes to the people that really do love me. The people that want me to be a better person in his eye's. The people that accept me the way that I am are ok with the changes I've made in my life. He also helped me to accept that sometimes you have to let go of the people you thought would be there forever. My door will always be open to them but I'm better if I let go of any expectations I may have had.

That's all for now...