The maternal change.

Not so long ago I loved my career. I still do love it but it's different now. Going from family of 4 to family of 5 seems much more dramatic than I could have ever imagined. Once upon a time I was able to manage work, being a wife, motherhood and general life pretty well. I was able to write sweet anniversary cards, do craft projects with the kids, keep up with memory books for the kids, remember friends birthdays and attend weddings (usually with kids in tow). Today I feel like I can barely find time to change clothes let along juggle the many joys of life!
It seems as though my maternal brain has been calling. I think it's time to slow down and enjoy the small joys and appreciate the small moments while they're happening instead of through the lens of a memory. The trouble is my maternal brain and my life brain are struggling to find a compromise. Leaving behind a career I've worked 10 years to build, even if only partly leaving it behind, is a daunting thought. Work is filled with task list, deadlines and little boxes to be checked off and just about everything I do has an instruction manual and when an instruction manual wasn't there, I created one. So even though I consider my place in the working world to be an important one, the ramifications for screwing up there are nothing compared to those when you mess-up as a wife, mother, friend, etc. I've never been a stay-at-home mom, or a Betty Crocker/Martha Stewart kind of wife. How do I make such an important change? Will I be able to teach Cam? Will I be able to pick Grace up each day when school ends and come home and happily entertain her and teach her? Will I be able to create art projects and sly ways to teach life lessons to she and Cameron and Maddie? OR will I lose my mind? Will I get caught up my OCD tendencies for cleaning house and making to-do lists for my already existing to-do lists? I so desperately crave completeness right now. I keep thinking that if I get organized, get the girls rooms done, get Cam's room done, clean the garage, and go through the mail I'll feel better. Those things seem so impossible at times.
I need to learn how to accept things as they are and enjoy them as they are. I'm the kind of person that can't sit still in my own kitchen (even when I'm alone) if there is a dish towel crumpled by the sink. If I walk past a table and the chairs are not neatly and precisely angled I have to nudge them into place. I despise our coat rack because I think it looks messy yet it's a necessity in our house. I have saved pages and pages of DIY projects and crafts so that maybe one day I'll be able to separate them into groups of "do it myself," "do it with the kids" and "do it while Todd's home so he doesn't freak out at the mess I'll have to make." Yet my closet is the absolute messiest thing you will ever see. I have to clean it once a week.
I digressed a bit...
How do I manage the compromise between my maternal brain and my life brain? How can I create a schedule to do all of the things I want to do? My plan is great but I can't seem to make it a reality. I want to work 2 full days in the office, one from home and spend the other two with Cam. I'd like to be able to exercise 4 days a week and once a weekend. I'd like to cook 5 days a week. I'd like to cut coupons and make menu plans. I'd like to have my 3 days a week complete by 2 p.m. so I can pick the kids up and be home by 2:45 to do homework and then play board games or take walks around the block. I'd like an every other week date night with Todd and Wednesdays when he's playing basketball would be my date night with the kids. I'd like an every other week date night with the girls. Painting, or sewing or cooking classes. I'd like to print out pictures from the last 7 years of raising kids and organize a year by year book for each of them.
I want to have a routine. An organized life that can accept randomness with freaking out! I'd like to get good sleep at night and enjoy Sunday's after church hanging out and doing family stuff! I want to look young when I'm 40 and feel good and healthy.
In closing, I'm turning it over to God for he will guide me.

Love, passion

is that feeling that you really can't explain. when it's real it sort of comes and goes, especially when you've loved someone for a long time. one day can be full of emotion and passion and yearning and the next day you may wake-up and wonder what the hell you're doing but no matter what, it's still love. you can't help who you love. you don't get to pick them from the tree hearts. and sometimes you even love the person you don't want to love. love is unexpected and crazy and fun and hard and exciting and frustrating. loving another person is hard because just as we change, the people we love change. the person you fall in love with will be a completely different person 5 years from now. i guess it proves that real love is loving a person for many things, not just one. the ability to love a person for their faults as well as the good they have to offer is what seperates love from puppy love. for example: you can't base your feelings for someone solely on physical attraction and call it love because what if that person is injured tomorrow and there physical attraction is no longer there? what will you have to love?
is that feeling in your finger tips when you touch a person. you know that feeling of absolute tingling that you can feel down in your toes? its that kiss they share on T.V. and when it happens you think "wow, i thought that only happened in movies." its a crazy desire to yell out a persons name at the most inopportune times. its when a person puts there hand on your shoulder and your skin warms. this feeling, too, comes and goes. one day a touch can feel like fire and the next it's cold and weathered.

isn't it amazing how we're filled with so many feelings and emotions? i can remember in my highschool and early college years wishing for the cliff notes of life and love. today, I am very thankful that some wishes don't come true. the puppy loves, borken hearts and pitfalls of life really do count. we do need them afterall. every experience, even though at the time I may have wished for them to go away, have rounded me into who I am.

Making a better me...

1. start reading the bible with Grace before bed again
2. wake-up at 5 a.m
3. take vitamins
4. worry less
5. listen to my heart every day
6. exercise
7. eat healthy
8. save more
9. pray for patience daily
10. make a to-do list and actually use it
11. quit smoking (do that thing mom did)
12. stock my fridge with Little Black Dress pinot grigio
13. dance in the rain
14. buy one serving peice a month
15. plan a trip to the beach
16. finish my life letters
17. create a new song list and make a CD for my car so that I can smile every morning on my way to work

to be continued...

Happiness

A new kind of life

Cameron is 6 weeks old today! Time has flown which is amazing considering how the nine months of pregnancy seemed to pass at snails speed. He's smiling and cooing and his personality is starting to show along with the leaps and bounds of his growth.

Grace had her best day yet at school today. It's been a challange to get into the "groove" of her new school but one that I am very blessed to have crossed paths with. We're learning a whole new way of parenting and while I don't think we were doing a bad job before, we're definently on the right track now.

Maddie is loving Kindergarden, she's so smart and such a great big sister. She's older now and Grace isn't as fun as she used to be. A 4 year old wants to borrow toys, and play with everything you're playing with at the exact same time so... we're also learning patience as two girls, only 18 months apart, can be a bit tiring at times!

Todd and I are wonderful. Sure we have our moments but in the grand scheme of things, this feeling of completeness in our family has brought us together.

Life is good and only getting better.

Wow... Is it really August already?

So... I know three weeks ago I was praying for time to pass by quickly but now I'd like to put in my request for time to slow down again! (Can I do that? haha) Grace starts school in 9 days, she's going to BIG GIRL school and she reminds me everyday of just how big she is now! Cameron is growing so fast I'm beginning to think someone is sprinkling fertilizer on his butt at night!

Two of my life's major events are happening just weeks from each other! My "baby" is going to school and our first boy was born. I feel overwhelmed and happy all at the same time. Nine days certainly isn't enough time to get into a routine, at least not one that Cameron is going to cooperate with so... I'll be left to my own devices as far as Todd and Grace go. And believe me... getting those two into a routine will be a job all in itself! I've set Grace's bedtime and made it clear that today was "D" day and she had to follow the Big Girl School Rules are they weren't going to let her in! So... today I'll be on a mission to get her some new Big Girl PJ's made just for her bed (yes, she's bee cuddling with Todd & I for almost 3 years!) and a very short bedtime movie that we can watch together. Oddly enough, I'll also be coaxing Daddy to get to bed early because he's been a bit of a night owl lately and needs his beauty rest just as much since he's doing the picking up and dropping off these days!

Wish us luck.... :)

Status

Doctor said everything looked good. I'm 3 cm along. While I had every intention of begging him to make me go into labor after waiting for an hour and a half (he had two deliveries) and seeing his tired face when he finally came into the room I decided to wait although tears did make there way into the room. He said it could be any day now or it could very well not be until my due date.

With that in mind... I have given up on willing Cameron to come into the world when I'm ready. I'll resign to letting him do his own thing and be patient. He'll make his way here when he's good and ready.

On the plus side I haven't gained any wieght in 3 weeks. Maybe Beth was just tired and didnt feel like fooling with the scale - no telling. She usually likes to round up and add a extra ounce or two so I was way suprised when it hadnt gone up, in fact it went down 2 lbs.

HAPPY early 4TH OF JULY to everyone! Be safe and have lots of fun ~

Favorites

Color: Green
Food: Sushi (for the moment)
Resturant: Shinto
Drink: Cape Cod
Sport: Baseball
Day: Sunday
Season: Spring
Time: Late afternoon
Passtime: Being around friends
Hobby: Writing/Reading
Subject: English
Candy: Skittles
Ice Cream: Neopolitan
Flower: Gerber Daisy
Superhero: Superman
Shoes: Comfy wedges
Feature: Eyes
Romantic Memory: Dancing in the living room at the old house with Todd
Crazy Memory: Tandy's and I drive back from the camp in 2004
Family Memory: Our last family trip to Biloxi
Elementary School Memory: Punching that little boy in the nose the last day of school for pulling my hair!
Gradeschool Memory: First day of 6th grade when I met Lacie
Highschool Memory: Toilet papering for the first time
Motherhood Memory: 1) When Maddie dubbed me "CC" and the 1st time Grace called me "mama"
Actress: Drew Barry Moore & Sandra Bullock
Actor: Will Smith
Movie: Patch Adams, Pursuit of Happiness
Song: I will survive
City: New Orleans

Today...

In general, it has been a fairly unremarkable day. My stomach hurts, my ass hurts, my legs hurt! Whew... glad I got that off my chest.

Work is... well, something I have to do. I've spent so much time preparing for maternity leave that I have everything caught up, even the stuff I usually hate to do. Every part of my office is organized. Part of me wants to go home but I'll just be bored there too. It's way to hot to be outside so playing in the yard is out of the question. I thought of getting in the pool but then remembered that would require me getting into a swimsuit so I decided against it.

I've had to change my bra three (3) times today! Third one was not a charm either. It's still uncomfortable and aggravating. If my boobs get any bigger, the parish will have to assign them their very own zip code.

On a happier note, yesterday was a pretty good day even for a Monday. I went to Macy's yesterday during my lunch break, racked up on a few sale items. While depressed about buying more maternity clothes with only 38 days to go, I was happy that at least I didnt have to pay full price. After work, I went home, changed into something comfy and made my wobbly way over to Kimi's and proceeded to bug she and Holly. Glad I went. Grace got home not long after, we grabbed dinner, then came home to walk around the neighborhood a few times and when we were done she bugged Holly and Kimi and watering the flowers with them. I think she watered each of us at some point too. Todd watched the LSU game and it was a relatively quiet evening.

It's funny how the measuring bar for good days changes as you get older and grow up!

Happiness... as defined by ME

Happiness is the loving the unknown of each day, the uncertainty of each promise and accepting each as they for what they are.

Happiness is hearing Grace and Madison laugh. Seeing Todd smile. Watching my sisters grow-up to be the people they want to be. Watching my parents become their own people again aside from raising kids. Meeting up with friends to talk about life. Every doctor's appointment filled with good news about the new baby. Waking up each morning.

Happiness is family and smiles and pain and love and heartbreak. Happiness is knowing that no matter how bad my day is... I still have so much to be thankful for.

Happiness lies in the ability to look for at least one thing to be happy for and when you have a hard time finding that one thing you can always remind yourself that you're still here and breathing and that alone is enough to be happy about!

Oh silent night!

So... last night Grace slept at her Nana's and Todd was fishing. It was the first time I've had the house to myself for the entire night in probably three years! It was boring at first but then I wisened up and took advantage of it! I watched Seven Pounds which I though was great and then I read a few chapters of my new book. I fell asleep around 11:00 and slept until 8:30 this morning. Can I just say WONDERFUL! I haven't slept that well in a year. I feel like a new women today.

Still ready as ever for Baby Cameron to make his way into this world although I'm not quite as anxious as I had been. Seeing him in the ultrasound and knowing that he's growing and developing well put my mind at ease. Funny how we worry more for baby no. 2!

Looking forward to the long weekend... Hope everyone else has a good one too!

I love...

Original Post date: 5/12/2009

Picking my next good read based on the cover alone. The smell of cupcakes baking. When Todd cooks dinner. Watching Grace snap 50 times a day because she just learned how. Feeling the baby move. Watching my sisters grow into beautiful women. Knowing that I have the best mom in the world. The color green. My husband. Watering my flowers on breezy afternoons. Yesterday's sunset. Watching the way my dad interacts with Grace and Maddie. Hearing Todd talk about teaching his son to "pee" outside. The fact that I'll get to have a real drink in 10 weeks. :) Getting massages and painting my toes red. Long baths with a good book when Grace can't find me! Knowing that I had a really great childhood. Rearranging furniture. MY LIFE.

Just Me

I LOVE THE SMELL OF FRESH CUT GRASS, I LOVE BIRTHDAYS AND CHRISTMAS. I HAVE TOO MANY PAIRS OF SHOES AND NOT ENOUGH SHIRTS. I LOVE PJ'S AND PANTIES AND GYM SHORTS. I EXERCISE TO RELIEVE STRESS AND READ TO SECURE MY SANITY. I LIKE TO SEW. I LOVE GIRAFFE'S AND TURTLES AND I BUY THINGS BECAUSE THEY'RE ON SALE NOT BECAUSE I NEED THEM.

Original date: 12/10/2008