Sunday, September 2, 2012
And they're off...
Once again time has flown right on by! Madison started 3rd grade this year, Grace 1st grade and Cameron is PreK3!!! All three are loving school. Everyone kept asking if I cried on Cam's first day - he is the baby after all. Oddly enough I didn't. Not even after he practically jumped out of the car only looking back to give me a big ole wave goodbye! He actually started screaming "let me out" as Grace got out of the car. I guess he thought they were going to close the door before he could get out. More than sadness that he's growing up, I felt proud that he's secure and ready to take on school and new friends. I feel like all three of them know they are loved and cared for and supported. That feels good. Todd and I are blessed beyond words for the family and friends God has placed in our lives. They are equally as responsible for the goodness in our three kids.
Friday, February 25, 2011
The maternal change.
Not so long ago I loved my career. I still do love it but it's different now. Going from family of 4 to family of 5 seems much more dramatic than I could have ever imagined. Once upon a time I was able to manage work, being a wife, motherhood and general life pretty well. I was able to write sweet anniversary cards, do craft projects with the kids, keep up with memory books for the kids, remember friends birthdays and attend weddings (usually with kids in tow). Today I feel like I can barely find time to change clothes let along juggle the many joys of life!
It seems as though my maternal brain has been calling. I think it's time to slow down and enjoy the small joys and appreciate the small moments while they're happening instead of through the lens of a memory. The trouble is my maternal brain and my life brain are struggling to find a compromise. Leaving behind a career I've worked 10 years to build, even if only partly leaving it behind, is a daunting thought. Work is filled with task list, deadlines and little boxes to be checked off and just about everything I do has an instruction manual and when an instruction manual wasn't there, I created one. So even though I consider my place in the working world to be an important one, the ramifications for screwing up there are nothing compared to those when you mess-up as a wife, mother, friend, etc. I've never been a stay-at-home mom, or a Betty Crocker/Martha Stewart kind of wife. How do I make such an important change? Will I be able to teach Cam? Will I be able to pick Grace up each day when school ends and come home and happily entertain her and teach her? Will I be able to create art projects and sly ways to teach life lessons to she and Cameron and Maddie? OR will I lose my mind? Will I get caught up my OCD tendencies for cleaning house and making to-do lists for my already existing to-do lists? I so desperately crave completeness right now. I keep thinking that if I get organized, get the girls rooms done, get Cam's room done, clean the garage, and go through the mail I'll feel better. Those things seem so impossible at times.
I need to learn how to accept things as they are and enjoy them as they are. I'm the kind of person that can't sit still in my own kitchen (even when I'm alone) if there is a dish towel crumpled by the sink. If I walk past a table and the chairs are not neatly and precisely angled I have to nudge them into place. I despise our coat rack because I think it looks messy yet it's a necessity in our house. I have saved pages and pages of DIY projects and crafts so that maybe one day I'll be able to separate them into groups of "do it myself," "do it with the kids" and "do it while Todd's home so he doesn't freak out at the mess I'll have to make." Yet my closet is the absolute messiest thing you will ever see. I have to clean it once a week.
I digressed a bit...
How do I manage the compromise between my maternal brain and my life brain? How can I create a schedule to do all of the things I want to do? My plan is great but I can't seem to make it a reality. I want to work 2 full days in the office, one from home and spend the other two with Cam. I'd like to be able to exercise 4 days a week and once a weekend. I'd like to cook 5 days a week. I'd like to cut coupons and make menu plans. I'd like to have my 3 days a week complete by 2 p.m. so I can pick the kids up and be home by 2:45 to do homework and then play board games or take walks around the block. I'd like an every other week date night with Todd and Wednesdays when he's playing basketball would be my date night with the kids. I'd like an every other week date night with the girls. Painting, or sewing or cooking classes. I'd like to print out pictures from the last 7 years of raising kids and organize a year by year book for each of them.
I want to have a routine. An organized life that can accept randomness with freaking out! I'd like to get good sleep at night and enjoy Sunday's after church hanging out and doing family stuff! I want to look young when I'm 40 and feel good and healthy.
In closing, I'm turning it over to God for he will guide me.
It seems as though my maternal brain has been calling. I think it's time to slow down and enjoy the small joys and appreciate the small moments while they're happening instead of through the lens of a memory. The trouble is my maternal brain and my life brain are struggling to find a compromise. Leaving behind a career I've worked 10 years to build, even if only partly leaving it behind, is a daunting thought. Work is filled with task list, deadlines and little boxes to be checked off and just about everything I do has an instruction manual and when an instruction manual wasn't there, I created one. So even though I consider my place in the working world to be an important one, the ramifications for screwing up there are nothing compared to those when you mess-up as a wife, mother, friend, etc. I've never been a stay-at-home mom, or a Betty Crocker/Martha Stewart kind of wife. How do I make such an important change? Will I be able to teach Cam? Will I be able to pick Grace up each day when school ends and come home and happily entertain her and teach her? Will I be able to create art projects and sly ways to teach life lessons to she and Cameron and Maddie? OR will I lose my mind? Will I get caught up my OCD tendencies for cleaning house and making to-do lists for my already existing to-do lists? I so desperately crave completeness right now. I keep thinking that if I get organized, get the girls rooms done, get Cam's room done, clean the garage, and go through the mail I'll feel better. Those things seem so impossible at times.
I need to learn how to accept things as they are and enjoy them as they are. I'm the kind of person that can't sit still in my own kitchen (even when I'm alone) if there is a dish towel crumpled by the sink. If I walk past a table and the chairs are not neatly and precisely angled I have to nudge them into place. I despise our coat rack because I think it looks messy yet it's a necessity in our house. I have saved pages and pages of DIY projects and crafts so that maybe one day I'll be able to separate them into groups of "do it myself," "do it with the kids" and "do it while Todd's home so he doesn't freak out at the mess I'll have to make." Yet my closet is the absolute messiest thing you will ever see. I have to clean it once a week.
I digressed a bit...
How do I manage the compromise between my maternal brain and my life brain? How can I create a schedule to do all of the things I want to do? My plan is great but I can't seem to make it a reality. I want to work 2 full days in the office, one from home and spend the other two with Cam. I'd like to be able to exercise 4 days a week and once a weekend. I'd like to cook 5 days a week. I'd like to cut coupons and make menu plans. I'd like to have my 3 days a week complete by 2 p.m. so I can pick the kids up and be home by 2:45 to do homework and then play board games or take walks around the block. I'd like an every other week date night with Todd and Wednesdays when he's playing basketball would be my date night with the kids. I'd like an every other week date night with the girls. Painting, or sewing or cooking classes. I'd like to print out pictures from the last 7 years of raising kids and organize a year by year book for each of them.
I want to have a routine. An organized life that can accept randomness with freaking out! I'd like to get good sleep at night and enjoy Sunday's after church hanging out and doing family stuff! I want to look young when I'm 40 and feel good and healthy.
In closing, I'm turning it over to God for he will guide me.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
The best things are free!
Life has escaped my grip. I can remember a time when I swore I would never get too busy or make excuses or put off staying on top of blogging, updating pictures of the kids, making memory books and writing in the kids journals. I'm laughing at myself now for having such a foolish thought! Seriously... just thinking of organizing 7 years worth the accumulated pictures, moments and memories spread over three very active and funny kids pains me. (in a good way of course).
The cliff note version of life lately -
This past Saturday (2/19) Grace said the most amazing thing ever to me! We'd spent the day working in the yard, all 4 of us, planting flowers and playing around. When we were done that afternoon we swam for a bit then Todd and Cam went to pick up dinner for us. Grace and I were getting to bath and I was sitting on the side of the tub running the water and she walked up and put her arm around my waist and said "Momma, I'm glad I'm glad I'm your kid." Just like that, matter of factly with a hint of sweetness. My eyes watered up as I hugged her and told her that that was the nicest thing anyone had ever said to me. That moment is forever engrained in my soul. (Thank you, God, for that moment.)
Maddie is almost as big as me. I swear she's going to pass me up soon. Smart as can be. She's reading more and more these days. I love that she likes to read, it makes me feel like she has a little part of me in her. I bought her a really cool kid dictionary the other day and while that seems boring, it's actually a pretty cool book if you think about! (my thoughts will need to follow in a separate post or I'll get way too side tracked). Maddie is doing great at St. George and just got accepted to play city soccer. Watching her play this year was so fun, she's competitive yet so graceful. She scored the most goals in every game but never once was she boastful. I can honestly say that I don't think I have ever met a more rounded child that Maddie. Her heart is the size of the moon!
Cam is a walking, talking, climbing ball of fire. He's grown so quickly and he's so smart. He can count to 13 and say his ABC's and you'd better watch your every word because he can and he WILL repeat whatever you say! He climbs on everything. Thankfully I'm used to it now and he's sort of gotten over the newness of the whole idea because for a while there I had to keep all barstools and chairs picked up or he'd push and climb on everything. I gave him his first big haircut two weeks ago. His curls were out of control and getting really long and while I don't mind the shaggy look the front was a bit too long. I figured if Todd took him to the barber they'd cut his curls off and if anyone was doing that, for better or for worse, it was going to be me. I bathed him and washed his hair and sat in the leather chair watching TV and stood behind and just pulled and cut randomly while praying for the best! Thankfully for me, it came out pretty good but I did promise that that would be the last time I'd cut his hair. With his curls and big cheeks and animated personality, he does have direct access to my heart. It's funny how different it is with a boy. The mom/son relationship is so different, it's like we depend on each other for the exact opposite things creating the perfect balance.
The cliff note version of life lately -
This past Saturday (2/19) Grace said the most amazing thing ever to me! We'd spent the day working in the yard, all 4 of us, planting flowers and playing around. When we were done that afternoon we swam for a bit then Todd and Cam went to pick up dinner for us. Grace and I were getting to bath and I was sitting on the side of the tub running the water and she walked up and put her arm around my waist and said "Momma, I'm glad I'm glad I'm your kid." Just like that, matter of factly with a hint of sweetness. My eyes watered up as I hugged her and told her that that was the nicest thing anyone had ever said to me. That moment is forever engrained in my soul. (Thank you, God, for that moment.)
Maddie is almost as big as me. I swear she's going to pass me up soon. Smart as can be. She's reading more and more these days. I love that she likes to read, it makes me feel like she has a little part of me in her. I bought her a really cool kid dictionary the other day and while that seems boring, it's actually a pretty cool book if you think about! (my thoughts will need to follow in a separate post or I'll get way too side tracked). Maddie is doing great at St. George and just got accepted to play city soccer. Watching her play this year was so fun, she's competitive yet so graceful. She scored the most goals in every game but never once was she boastful. I can honestly say that I don't think I have ever met a more rounded child that Maddie. Her heart is the size of the moon!
Cam is a walking, talking, climbing ball of fire. He's grown so quickly and he's so smart. He can count to 13 and say his ABC's and you'd better watch your every word because he can and he WILL repeat whatever you say! He climbs on everything. Thankfully I'm used to it now and he's sort of gotten over the newness of the whole idea because for a while there I had to keep all barstools and chairs picked up or he'd push and climb on everything. I gave him his first big haircut two weeks ago. His curls were out of control and getting really long and while I don't mind the shaggy look the front was a bit too long. I figured if Todd took him to the barber they'd cut his curls off and if anyone was doing that, for better or for worse, it was going to be me. I bathed him and washed his hair and sat in the leather chair watching TV and stood behind and just pulled and cut randomly while praying for the best! Thankfully for me, it came out pretty good but I did promise that that would be the last time I'd cut his hair. With his curls and big cheeks and animated personality, he does have direct access to my heart. It's funny how different it is with a boy. The mom/son relationship is so different, it's like we depend on each other for the exact opposite things creating the perfect balance.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
It's been a while...
I can't beleive it's been so long since I've written...
Cameron was 10 months old on Friday. I can't beleive it! It seems like only yesterday I was counting down the days since he was born. He is the absolute cutest little boy I've ever been blessed enough to lay eyes on. Big and pinchable cheeks, perfectly blue eyes and HUGE. He's perfect in every way. Just like his big his big sisters. He is every bit of Todd except that he gets his big round head from me. :) I didn't know having a son would be so different from a daughter. It feels like yesterday I was holding and hugging and kissing him, all of which he loved just as much as I did. And today, he's strong and interested in everything around him instead of just me. My heart is breaking a little. Todd walks into a room and I swear this child lights up like the Time Square christmas tree. I walk in a he smiles but it's not like the excitement he shows when his daddy walks in. Bitter sweet I suppose because I do know how lucky he is to have a daddy like Todd. Still... the selfish side of me is not ready to play "second" haha. I miss those sweet days when it was just he and I. Looking forward to his every move, the quietness that lingered each day when I was home with him on maternity leave.
He's just growing up too fast to say the least. It's funny because sometimes I panic at the thought of what he's picking up at daycare. He seems to have gone from my sweet and precious little man to an almost toddler that now pushes away when something else is more interesting. I told Todd that we needed to move him to another sitter or I needed to quit my job because he was learning bad habits. He's started pinching and being more aggressive. I rationalized it as he's the youngest in the class but because he's so big and tall for his age people think he's older so since he's with older kids, he's obviously having to defend himself so that's where he's learning to push and "hit." Todd kinda of laughed and me. As a dad he's probably proud of his big, strong boy. I, on other hand, am praying that he'll be strong but still gentle and kind. With Grace and Maddie I guess I didnt really think of those things. I, as their mother and woman in general, wanted them be strong and independent and able to defend themselves.
Again, funny how different it is with girls vs. boys.
Maddie is doing great. Growing by the minute it seems. She's tall and beautiful beyond words and kind beyond her years. A great friend of mine, Mrs. Chris, used to call me an "old soul." That is how I best describe Maddie. She's wise and kind and loving beyond her years. She just got accepted into a great private school. Each student was required to pass a test with an 88 and she scored a 92. She's so smart. It's funny because she can hear a song once and she'll remember and be able to sing just about every word the very next time it comes on. She's playing soccer and she's in girl scouts. I can't beleive it's already time for First Grade!
Grace is still Grace! haha. Her last day of school was last Thursday. Now that she's home she thinks everyday will be an adventure where she gets to play with someone or have a sleep over. This kid loves sleep overs and it's funny because if she goes to Rhett or Hunter's house you better beleive she's in bed with Aunt Missy or Aunt Amy. She makes sure that's ok before she's goes anywhere. She can't wear dresses or mary janes to school anymore because if's not wearing her "running shoes" she can't run as fast as Rhett Taylor at recess. Yep, that's what she told me. And I've never met another kid that loves socks so much. And only "baby" socks. She only likes ankle socks. (she gets that from me) One morning Todd said something about her socks not matching and she told him she had different colors on because they looked like a rainbow!
Todd and I went to Costa Rica a few weeks ago. It was nothing short of amazing. It was exactly what we needed. We laughed and talked like we did when we started dating. The iguana will forever be our "thing." We layed in the hammock, relaxed at the pool, napped during the day and ordered room service (one of my favorite things in the world). Gosh, we've come so far. He is my bestfriend. I love coming home to him even when he makes me mad! I am so proud and lucky to have him as my husband and the father of my children.
I'm all grown up now. Some days I still can't beleive it. I still think to myself and wonder where the time went. At least once a week I say to myself "You're here, can you beleive it? Is it everything you imagined it would be when you were young?"
Cameron was 10 months old on Friday. I can't beleive it! It seems like only yesterday I was counting down the days since he was born. He is the absolute cutest little boy I've ever been blessed enough to lay eyes on. Big and pinchable cheeks, perfectly blue eyes and HUGE. He's perfect in every way. Just like his big his big sisters. He is every bit of Todd except that he gets his big round head from me. :) I didn't know having a son would be so different from a daughter. It feels like yesterday I was holding and hugging and kissing him, all of which he loved just as much as I did. And today, he's strong and interested in everything around him instead of just me. My heart is breaking a little. Todd walks into a room and I swear this child lights up like the Time Square christmas tree. I walk in a he smiles but it's not like the excitement he shows when his daddy walks in. Bitter sweet I suppose because I do know how lucky he is to have a daddy like Todd. Still... the selfish side of me is not ready to play "second" haha. I miss those sweet days when it was just he and I. Looking forward to his every move, the quietness that lingered each day when I was home with him on maternity leave.
He's just growing up too fast to say the least. It's funny because sometimes I panic at the thought of what he's picking up at daycare. He seems to have gone from my sweet and precious little man to an almost toddler that now pushes away when something else is more interesting. I told Todd that we needed to move him to another sitter or I needed to quit my job because he was learning bad habits. He's started pinching and being more aggressive. I rationalized it as he's the youngest in the class but because he's so big and tall for his age people think he's older so since he's with older kids, he's obviously having to defend himself so that's where he's learning to push and "hit." Todd kinda of laughed and me. As a dad he's probably proud of his big, strong boy. I, on other hand, am praying that he'll be strong but still gentle and kind. With Grace and Maddie I guess I didnt really think of those things. I, as their mother and woman in general, wanted them be strong and independent and able to defend themselves.
Again, funny how different it is with girls vs. boys.
Maddie is doing great. Growing by the minute it seems. She's tall and beautiful beyond words and kind beyond her years. A great friend of mine, Mrs. Chris, used to call me an "old soul." That is how I best describe Maddie. She's wise and kind and loving beyond her years. She just got accepted into a great private school. Each student was required to pass a test with an 88 and she scored a 92. She's so smart. It's funny because she can hear a song once and she'll remember and be able to sing just about every word the very next time it comes on. She's playing soccer and she's in girl scouts. I can't beleive it's already time for First Grade!
Grace is still Grace! haha. Her last day of school was last Thursday. Now that she's home she thinks everyday will be an adventure where she gets to play with someone or have a sleep over. This kid loves sleep overs and it's funny because if she goes to Rhett or Hunter's house you better beleive she's in bed with Aunt Missy or Aunt Amy. She makes sure that's ok before she's goes anywhere. She can't wear dresses or mary janes to school anymore because if's not wearing her "running shoes" she can't run as fast as Rhett Taylor at recess. Yep, that's what she told me. And I've never met another kid that loves socks so much. And only "baby" socks. She only likes ankle socks. (she gets that from me) One morning Todd said something about her socks not matching and she told him she had different colors on because they looked like a rainbow!
Todd and I went to Costa Rica a few weeks ago. It was nothing short of amazing. It was exactly what we needed. We laughed and talked like we did when we started dating. The iguana will forever be our "thing." We layed in the hammock, relaxed at the pool, napped during the day and ordered room service (one of my favorite things in the world). Gosh, we've come so far. He is my bestfriend. I love coming home to him even when he makes me mad! I am so proud and lucky to have him as my husband and the father of my children.
I'm all grown up now. Some days I still can't beleive it. I still think to myself and wonder where the time went. At least once a week I say to myself "You're here, can you beleive it? Is it everything you imagined it would be when you were young?"
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
The baptism, the family, the friends
Cameron was baptized Saturday. It was a beautiful day. He, as was the rest of my family, as beautiful as one can imagine. We had friends and family there to watch and support us. I felt like the luckiest person in the world. As father gathered us in the front, Uncle Ricky (Parain) held Cam with my sisters (Nanny Nic and Nanny Bran) right beside. Cameron watched Uncle Rick so contently the whole time. He didn't even move when the water was poured over his head. I was waiting for him to start laughing or "talking" because the sound of running water makes him scream with laughter but he was so peaceful and calm instead. For a brief moment, I looked around at all of our family watching, Aunt Terry was crying, mom was taking pictures (Thank Goodness for her) and dad was smiling from ear to ear.
As I listened to Father speak, I realized how truly important that day was, how much it meant. I'm not a religious person although I very much believe in and worship God. It wasn't about that, at least not for me, it was about my promise, Todd's promise, the godparents promise to be there for Cameron, to teach him and raise in the eye's of God. I stood there moved by the words Father spoke, by his kindness and his sincere desire for my child to be brought up knowing God. I knew at that moment that I needed to do my part, I needed to make sure that even on the Sunday's that I don't really feel like getting myself dressed let alone 22 or 3 kids, I need to. And it doesn't matter whether we go to St. Pius, or East Bayou, it matters that we go, as a family, and that we live it.
I used to "watch my mouth" when speaking about God depending on the audience but not so much anymore. I have had some truly amazing things happen in my life since opening my heart to him, not religion, but to God. I am not as judgmental about religion anymore, or about people, or about "things." I'm far from perfect but at least I am better at catching myself now. And I don't think so much coincidence anymore as I do blessing. My life has been enriched by so many people, sometimes I want to shout to the world, or even shake a person to get them to pray.
Speaking of prayer. Grace often says she doesn't know how to pray. Again why Saturday was such an amazing day... I was younger and less mature and in tune to what my true role was a parent when we baptized Grace. We said our prayers at night, but I never really talked to her about God or about prayer. This is my opportunity not only to teach Cameron but to help Grace as well. We're all growing together.
I've rambled quite a bit but in the end, my point is that it was a beuatiful day. My family was there, all the people that mattered most. Madison was front and center, on the verge of bursting with excitement and anticipation of getting her hands on Cameron.
Johnny and Shannon, Aunt Rebakah, PawPaw Bill and Tessi, Nanny Bonnie and Uncle John, Tandy and Clay, Mawmaw Hatti and PawPaw Claude... they were there for Todd and I and for our family. There was no better feeling in the world. It's not like baptizms are fun, and they weren't expecting a catered meal or door prizes, they were simply there to show their love and support for our family.
As I listened to Father speak, I realized how truly important that day was, how much it meant. I'm not a religious person although I very much believe in and worship God. It wasn't about that, at least not for me, it was about my promise, Todd's promise, the godparents promise to be there for Cameron, to teach him and raise in the eye's of God. I stood there moved by the words Father spoke, by his kindness and his sincere desire for my child to be brought up knowing God. I knew at that moment that I needed to do my part, I needed to make sure that even on the Sunday's that I don't really feel like getting myself dressed let alone 22 or 3 kids, I need to. And it doesn't matter whether we go to St. Pius, or East Bayou, it matters that we go, as a family, and that we live it.
I used to "watch my mouth" when speaking about God depending on the audience but not so much anymore. I have had some truly amazing things happen in my life since opening my heart to him, not religion, but to God. I am not as judgmental about religion anymore, or about people, or about "things." I'm far from perfect but at least I am better at catching myself now. And I don't think so much coincidence anymore as I do blessing. My life has been enriched by so many people, sometimes I want to shout to the world, or even shake a person to get them to pray.
Speaking of prayer. Grace often says she doesn't know how to pray. Again why Saturday was such an amazing day... I was younger and less mature and in tune to what my true role was a parent when we baptized Grace. We said our prayers at night, but I never really talked to her about God or about prayer. This is my opportunity not only to teach Cameron but to help Grace as well. We're all growing together.
I've rambled quite a bit but in the end, my point is that it was a beuatiful day. My family was there, all the people that mattered most. Madison was front and center, on the verge of bursting with excitement and anticipation of getting her hands on Cameron.
Johnny and Shannon, Aunt Rebakah, PawPaw Bill and Tessi, Nanny Bonnie and Uncle John, Tandy and Clay, Mawmaw Hatti and PawPaw Claude... they were there for Todd and I and for our family. There was no better feeling in the world. It's not like baptizms are fun, and they weren't expecting a catered meal or door prizes, they were simply there to show their love and support for our family.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: IT GOES ON
A quote by Robert Frost.
Very fitting for today and the thoughts that have been floating around in this crazy, unpredictable mind I have!
It is quite simple isn't it? No matter what. No matter how big or how small. LIFE GOES ON. Chaos, hurt, fear, pain, love, laughter, miracles... these things effect each of us differently but at the end of the day, life goes on no matter how you feel. If I pray for the war to end, and the poor child in Iraq is praying for it to continue so he can walk his streets freely one day, who's prayer does God answer?
Even if a person selfishly ends their own life, no matter how much hurt they leave behind, no matter how much we think we can't go on or how we don't think we can bare the pain... eventually Life does go on.
The tragedy of Katrina and Rita, the tragedy of the tsunami, the tragedy of the earth quake in Haiti. We all feel it, it's raw right now but next week, it won't so raw. Next week the news will turn back to Tiger Woods or some other "none of our business" senseless media and the real tragedies won't be so tragic anymore, at least not for everyone like it is right now. Because life does go on, people turn the TV off, switch the radio station and go on about everyday life.
It's not all negative though. I don't mean that. It's a blessing that life goes on. The mistake I make today can be wiped away tomorrow. The fact that life does go on is a chance to start over, a chance to be better.
Very fitting for today and the thoughts that have been floating around in this crazy, unpredictable mind I have!
It is quite simple isn't it? No matter what. No matter how big or how small. LIFE GOES ON. Chaos, hurt, fear, pain, love, laughter, miracles... these things effect each of us differently but at the end of the day, life goes on no matter how you feel. If I pray for the war to end, and the poor child in Iraq is praying for it to continue so he can walk his streets freely one day, who's prayer does God answer?
Even if a person selfishly ends their own life, no matter how much hurt they leave behind, no matter how much we think we can't go on or how we don't think we can bare the pain... eventually Life does go on.
The tragedy of Katrina and Rita, the tragedy of the tsunami, the tragedy of the earth quake in Haiti. We all feel it, it's raw right now but next week, it won't so raw. Next week the news will turn back to Tiger Woods or some other "none of our business" senseless media and the real tragedies won't be so tragic anymore, at least not for everyone like it is right now. Because life does go on, people turn the TV off, switch the radio station and go on about everyday life.
It's not all negative though. I don't mean that. It's a blessing that life goes on. The mistake I make today can be wiped away tomorrow. The fact that life does go on is a chance to start over, a chance to be better.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Little sister
It'll probably take years before you understand where I come from, why I am the way I am, why I drive you crazy and why I do the the things I do. It's not easy to explain the way I feel about you... I want so badly to see you happy and successful and I don't mean successful in the materialistic sense of the word. I want you to succeed in whatever you do. I want you to have every opportunity that life has to offer. I never want you to settle or take the easy way out. I want you to have all of the confidence in yourself that I have in you, I want you to go feet first into every turn your path offers up. I suppose that now that I have children my own, my feelings for you are much like that of a mothers for her child. Our age difference allows more room that feeling as opposed to the typical love/hate relationship most siblings share.
When it comes to being a big sister I seem to have a very bad case of "open mouth, insert foot" syndrome. I have this problem in general but it seems to really shine when it comes to my ability to play the big sister role.
Although I went through most of nearly 10 years ago it still feels like yesterday but I've gone through most of what you're encountering now. I've seen the excitement, the confusion, the hurt, the love, the pain, the adventures, the lust, the struggle, the lack of faith, the yearning to fit in. I've seen and felt it all to the absolute core. So in addition to my OMIF syndrome, I also have a case of "been there, done that - now let me tell you all about it and spare you the pain" which often equates to a whole lot of me talking and you silently wishing I would shut up and save it for someone else! Believe it or not, I do understand. Half the time I wish I could shut me up too. BUT... I do want to spare you all of the bad parts even when I know that the bad parts are what make us stronger and help us to grow.
I can't promise never to give my opinion again. Hell, I did that recently and just this afternoon there I went trying to insert help into your life again. I even caught myself mid-sentence and still couldn't stop myself. It was like I was mentally kicking myself in the butt and still, I just had to keep going. Again, I can't promise to keep my mouth shut but I can promise to try and I can promise you that no matter how much I mess up, no matter much I drive you crazy, I really never mean to hurt you. My lectures and/or speeches are not meant to hurt you, they're not even meant to tell you how to live your life. They are simply me trying to help you and when possible guide down the path with the least amount of unneccesary hurt.
At the end of the day, the end of every day I love you for who you are. I love you when make "stupid" decisions, I love you when you make great decision. I love you when you succeed and when you fail. I love your faults and I love your flaws. I love everything there is to love about you, good and bad. And just so you know, the good and the great, the beautiful and the caring in you all outweigh the flaws. You are an amazing little sister whom I will always admire more than words will be able to express.
Your strong will and stubborness drive me crazy but I love you. Your heart of gold is my weakness.
So at the end of today I am thanking God for you. I am thanking Mom and Dad for you.
I love you little sister...
Love, Sissy
When it comes to being a big sister I seem to have a very bad case of "open mouth, insert foot" syndrome. I have this problem in general but it seems to really shine when it comes to my ability to play the big sister role.
Although I went through most of nearly 10 years ago it still feels like yesterday but I've gone through most of what you're encountering now. I've seen the excitement, the confusion, the hurt, the love, the pain, the adventures, the lust, the struggle, the lack of faith, the yearning to fit in. I've seen and felt it all to the absolute core. So in addition to my OMIF syndrome, I also have a case of "been there, done that - now let me tell you all about it and spare you the pain" which often equates to a whole lot of me talking and you silently wishing I would shut up and save it for someone else! Believe it or not, I do understand. Half the time I wish I could shut me up too. BUT... I do want to spare you all of the bad parts even when I know that the bad parts are what make us stronger and help us to grow.
I can't promise never to give my opinion again. Hell, I did that recently and just this afternoon there I went trying to insert help into your life again. I even caught myself mid-sentence and still couldn't stop myself. It was like I was mentally kicking myself in the butt and still, I just had to keep going. Again, I can't promise to keep my mouth shut but I can promise to try and I can promise you that no matter how much I mess up, no matter much I drive you crazy, I really never mean to hurt you. My lectures and/or speeches are not meant to hurt you, they're not even meant to tell you how to live your life. They are simply me trying to help you and when possible guide down the path with the least amount of unneccesary hurt.
At the end of the day, the end of every day I love you for who you are. I love you when make "stupid" decisions, I love you when you make great decision. I love you when you succeed and when you fail. I love your faults and I love your flaws. I love everything there is to love about you, good and bad. And just so you know, the good and the great, the beautiful and the caring in you all outweigh the flaws. You are an amazing little sister whom I will always admire more than words will be able to express.
Your strong will and stubborness drive me crazy but I love you. Your heart of gold is my weakness.
So at the end of today I am thanking God for you. I am thanking Mom and Dad for you.
I love you little sister...
Love, Sissy
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Christmas 09
What a wonderful time of year! Family, great food, old friends, reflecting on a year of growth and most important... Baby Jesus' Birthday (as Grace and Todd say). Those first days of December brought on an overwhelming feeling of "Where do I begin?" I had to slow down and remind myself to enjoy this time and the season and the reason for it all. Although I'm usually finished Christmas shopping by Thanksgiving, this year I didn't even make my list until the second week in December. It all worked out though. I got to take a weekend trip with family to go shopping and spend some much needed family time. It's also Cameron's very first Christmas. This year has been so incredibly amazing on so many levels. Our girls are growing so fast. I can't remember if I blogged about this already but wanted to make sure I wrote it down so you may be reading this twice.
Grace's Christmas Wish List:
1. A real Dinosaur
2. A Treehouse "Like the one you have to climb a tree to get in"
Madison's Christmas Wish List:
1. Rudolph chapstick (or snowman if Santa runs out of Rudolph)
2. Hello Kitty Purse or anything Hello Kitty
3. Rudolph stuffed animal
Could we have two more differently programmed children? haha. These two crack me up to say the least.
Dad's Family
This year we did Christmas at Dad's. It was wonderful. We'd gone a few weeks earlier and me, the kids and Brandi decorated a tree Dad bought for us. We even put ribbon on the deer. The house looked great. It was the first Christmas we've had there since mom and dad seperated so it was really special for us. And although I think it may have been a little hard on Dad he was great and put on a happy face for us. All of the family was there. We passed out presents to the little kids and then played Dirty Santa. Aunt Mary made the best fudge and Christmas candy as usual and Aunt Paulette made an okra gumbo just for Todd for his birthday. Nicole and Meagan came and I was proud of them both. I'm sure Meg was a little uncomfortable at first but she did well. Eventually I gave her "Cameron Duty" so she wouldn't have to just stand there but all in all I think they had a good time too.
Mom's Family
We had Christmas at Aunt Kim and Uncle Russell's. This is always a great place for Christmas. ALL of the little kids love it there. Uncle Russ has a huge wooden swing that I swear can touch the top of the tree's and they have a smaller tree swing with a seat for the smaller kids. There's more yard then the kids can ask for and it's always pretty relaxed. I don't know how they do it, each year we add a new grandbaby to the family and soon even their yard won't be big enough for us, haha. I've always admired them for all they do and how involved they are. They really are good to all of us.
to be continued when kids aren't asking for 10 things :)
Grace's Christmas Wish List:
1. A real Dinosaur
2. A Treehouse "Like the one you have to climb a tree to get in"
Madison's Christmas Wish List:
1. Rudolph chapstick (or snowman if Santa runs out of Rudolph)
2. Hello Kitty Purse or anything Hello Kitty
3. Rudolph stuffed animal
Could we have two more differently programmed children? haha. These two crack me up to say the least.
Dad's Family
This year we did Christmas at Dad's. It was wonderful. We'd gone a few weeks earlier and me, the kids and Brandi decorated a tree Dad bought for us. We even put ribbon on the deer. The house looked great. It was the first Christmas we've had there since mom and dad seperated so it was really special for us. And although I think it may have been a little hard on Dad he was great and put on a happy face for us. All of the family was there. We passed out presents to the little kids and then played Dirty Santa. Aunt Mary made the best fudge and Christmas candy as usual and Aunt Paulette made an okra gumbo just for Todd for his birthday. Nicole and Meagan came and I was proud of them both. I'm sure Meg was a little uncomfortable at first but she did well. Eventually I gave her "Cameron Duty" so she wouldn't have to just stand there but all in all I think they had a good time too.
Mom's Family
We had Christmas at Aunt Kim and Uncle Russell's. This is always a great place for Christmas. ALL of the little kids love it there. Uncle Russ has a huge wooden swing that I swear can touch the top of the tree's and they have a smaller tree swing with a seat for the smaller kids. There's more yard then the kids can ask for and it's always pretty relaxed. I don't know how they do it, each year we add a new grandbaby to the family and soon even their yard won't be big enough for us, haha. I've always admired them for all they do and how involved they are. They really are good to all of us.
to be continued when kids aren't asking for 10 things :)
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Love, passion
is that feeling that you really can't explain. when it's real it sort of comes and goes, especially when you've loved someone for a long time. one day can be full of emotion and passion and yearning and the next day you may wake-up and wonder what the hell you're doing but no matter what, it's still love. you can't help who you love. you don't get to pick them from the tree hearts. and sometimes you even love the person you don't want to love. love is unexpected and crazy and fun and hard and exciting and frustrating. loving another person is hard because just as we change, the people we love change. the person you fall in love with will be a completely different person 5 years from now. i guess it proves that real love is loving a person for many things, not just one. the ability to love a person for their faults as well as the good they have to offer is what seperates love from puppy love. for example: you can't base your feelings for someone solely on physical attraction and call it love because what if that person is injured tomorrow and there physical attraction is no longer there? what will you have to love?
is that feeling in your finger tips when you touch a person. you know that feeling of absolute tingling that you can feel down in your toes? its that kiss they share on T.V. and when it happens you think "wow, i thought that only happened in movies." its a crazy desire to yell out a persons name at the most inopportune times. its when a person puts there hand on your shoulder and your skin warms. this feeling, too, comes and goes. one day a touch can feel like fire and the next it's cold and weathered.
isn't it amazing how we're filled with so many feelings and emotions? i can remember in my highschool and early college years wishing for the cliff notes of life and love. today, I am very thankful that some wishes don't come true. the puppy loves, borken hearts and pitfalls of life really do count. we do need them afterall. every experience, even though at the time I may have wished for them to go away, have rounded me into who I am.
is that feeling in your finger tips when you touch a person. you know that feeling of absolute tingling that you can feel down in your toes? its that kiss they share on T.V. and when it happens you think "wow, i thought that only happened in movies." its a crazy desire to yell out a persons name at the most inopportune times. its when a person puts there hand on your shoulder and your skin warms. this feeling, too, comes and goes. one day a touch can feel like fire and the next it's cold and weathered.
isn't it amazing how we're filled with so many feelings and emotions? i can remember in my highschool and early college years wishing for the cliff notes of life and love. today, I am very thankful that some wishes don't come true. the puppy loves, borken hearts and pitfalls of life really do count. we do need them afterall. every experience, even though at the time I may have wished for them to go away, have rounded me into who I am.
Making a better me...
1. start reading the bible with Grace before bed again
2. wake-up at 5 a.m
3. take vitamins
4. worry less
5. listen to my heart every day
6. exercise
7. eat healthy
8. save more
9. pray for patience daily
10. make a to-do list and actually use it
11. quit smoking (do that thing mom did)
12. stock my fridge with Little Black Dress pinot grigio
13. dance in the rain
14. buy one serving peice a month
15. plan a trip to the beach
16. finish my life letters
17. create a new song list and make a CD for my car so that I can smile every morning on my way to work
to be continued...
2. wake-up at 5 a.m
3. take vitamins
4. worry less
5. listen to my heart every day
6. exercise
7. eat healthy
8. save more
9. pray for patience daily
10. make a to-do list and actually use it
11. quit smoking (do that thing mom did)
12. stock my fridge with Little Black Dress pinot grigio
13. dance in the rain
14. buy one serving peice a month
15. plan a trip to the beach
16. finish my life letters
17. create a new song list and make a CD for my car so that I can smile every morning on my way to work
to be continued...
My day.
Amazing…
Today I took the girls shopping, they got to make a list for the people they wanted to buy gifts for then went and they got to pick presents for the people on their list. They were able to pick whatever they wanted. I only offered advice when they asked for it. It was amazing to watch and listen to the generosity Madison has in her. With each person she checked off, she added another name to the list. Grace, while in the shopping mood and happy about picking out presents, leaned more towards presents that could be shared with her . Shopping with a 4 year old and 5 year three days before Christmas offered a chance to laugh and plenty of opportunities to pull my hair out! I had to remind myself through clinched teeth to breathe and relax. They argued about who got to pick out presents first, which isle had better choices, who was going to check out first, who would open the car door first, etc… Grace was thirsty, Maddie was mad because Grace was taking too long and in the end, we made it to the car in one piece, everyone checked off the list. We stopped for ice cream afterward and few last minute gifts I needed to pick up. We came home and after 20 minutes of hiding in the guest bedroom, I had mustered enough sanity to emerge again for round two so we could wrap presents!
The presents were funny, they range from a whoopy cushion to a very funky diamond studded headband. The best part is the wrapping. Each got to pick their own wrapping paper and had their own tape dispenser. I pre-cut the paper and they went to town wrapping. Now they’re at Cart Ranch with Todd. The perfect ending to a very bumpy and fun day!
My second wonder… Cameron! Belly laughs and rolling around on the floor. That kid can make you smile even on the hardest of days. He’s like a small snowman or a jolly santa clause. You say “boo” and his face lights up like a Christmas tree. I put him to bed about 30 minutes ago. As I got up to lay him in his bed I couldn’t help but smother him with kisses and rub my lips on his soft, fuzzy hair. He’s grown so fast that I find myself staring at him in amazement. I still wake up and put my hand on his chest to make sure he’s breathing. He looks so much like Todd and Madison that it’s scary. He’s got dimples in his cheeks and right under his eyes when he smiles.
Today I took the girls shopping, they got to make a list for the people they wanted to buy gifts for then went and they got to pick presents for the people on their list. They were able to pick whatever they wanted. I only offered advice when they asked for it. It was amazing to watch and listen to the generosity Madison has in her. With each person she checked off, she added another name to the list. Grace, while in the shopping mood and happy about picking out presents, leaned more towards presents that could be shared with her . Shopping with a 4 year old and 5 year three days before Christmas offered a chance to laugh and plenty of opportunities to pull my hair out! I had to remind myself through clinched teeth to breathe and relax. They argued about who got to pick out presents first, which isle had better choices, who was going to check out first, who would open the car door first, etc… Grace was thirsty, Maddie was mad because Grace was taking too long and in the end, we made it to the car in one piece, everyone checked off the list. We stopped for ice cream afterward and few last minute gifts I needed to pick up. We came home and after 20 minutes of hiding in the guest bedroom, I had mustered enough sanity to emerge again for round two so we could wrap presents!
The presents were funny, they range from a whoopy cushion to a very funky diamond studded headband. The best part is the wrapping. Each got to pick their own wrapping paper and had their own tape dispenser. I pre-cut the paper and they went to town wrapping. Now they’re at Cart Ranch with Todd. The perfect ending to a very bumpy and fun day!
My second wonder… Cameron! Belly laughs and rolling around on the floor. That kid can make you smile even on the hardest of days. He’s like a small snowman or a jolly santa clause. You say “boo” and his face lights up like a Christmas tree. I put him to bed about 30 minutes ago. As I got up to lay him in his bed I couldn’t help but smother him with kisses and rub my lips on his soft, fuzzy hair. He’s grown so fast that I find myself staring at him in amazement. I still wake up and put my hand on his chest to make sure he’s breathing. He looks so much like Todd and Madison that it’s scary. He’s got dimples in his cheeks and right under his eyes when he smiles.
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Turkey, Ham, Family and many THANKS!
We had an early Thanksgiving at Uncle Johnny and Aunt Shannon's. Uncle John, Leigh and Claire came too. My girls followed them around everywhere. Uncle John cooked gumbo that was better than any I've tasted. Maddie and Grace each had two bowls. The weather was perfect and Cameron was happy that there were no pumpkins at Aunt Shannon's! (last time we put him in a pumpkin for his 1st Halloween picture)
Thanksgiving Day: We had a wonderful Thanksgiving. All of the family came to visit, the kids played and painted Christmas ornaments. As usual Aunt Nancy's ham was to die for, Aunt Paulette's corn had me at hello, all of Aunt Mary's mississippi mud pie was gone within 5 minutes, Angie's sweet potato casserole was heaven sent for Todd.
There was a moment when I looked around at all of the kids running through the house, the women looking at Black Friday sale papers and the guys outside talking about the weather, hunting and only God knows what else... and my heart smiled. I'm grown up and I have an amazing life filled with the most amazing people. I have more to be thankful for than I could have ever hoped for!
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Monday, November 23, 2009
Thanksgiving...
In the spirit of Thanksgiving, I am thankful for three healthy children that can make even the worse day seem great with nothing but a smile, or a little drool or a big kiss - a wonderful husband who loves me the way that I am, who I still find sexy and who can still make a laugh - my parents for being a part of my life and for still believing in me - my sisters who teach me something new every and who still make me want to be a better person so that I can be a good role model - my friends for enriching my life beyond words as some of my cherished lessons were learned from them - my job - my home - for the best teacher a mom could ask for in her daughter's first year of big girl school - for books - for my prayer journal - for good wine and warm fires - for cajun chicken egg rolls from Bonefish - for the best co-workers a person could ask for - for freedom of speech and the right to choose my own religion - for Greys Anatomy - for comfortable sheets and plastic cups - for digital camera's and carseats!
Thursday, November 19, 2009
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Thursday, November 5, 2009
Lesson learned...
Just when I thought I was becoming a better friend, I realized I still had a lot to learn...
Sometimes we encounter people that we mesh well with. This was in fact that case and she'd been a great friend. I'd sort of started feeling sorry for myself lately and assumed she just didn't care because for a while we only talked when it was convenient for her or when I made the call, or so I thought. I stopped calling for a while with the "she'll call me when she's ready, I'm tired of initiating" mentality. Boy did I get it wrong! It wasn't a lack of regard for me or my feelings. She had a lot going on and really couldn't call. Actually, she was sick and back & forth with doctors.
Lesson learned - We should do things without expectation. We should be a good friend because it is what we are meant to do. We should call even when we're not being called. We should say hello even when no one is saying hello to us. We should smile when no one else is smiling. We should inquire about another persons day even if no one has inquired about our own.
It is unfair to assume how someone else feels or that they don't value us. Everyone has their own opinion of the "value" of a friendship and/or what validates one. We each have our own idea of how to be a good friend. For some it may be calling or emailing daily, it may be saying "hi" once a week or once a month. For some it could be not talking for 3 months and then meeting up and taking off as if you'd never missed a day.
The world doesn't revolve around us, we revolve around the world. Do onto others and you'd like done onto you...
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
I didn't even know...
God sent someone into my life quite sometime ago but it wasn't until a few months ago that I realized how important she would become in my life. When I talk about acceptance, she's one that takes me as I am. She's funny, and smart, beautiful, LOUD, petite, quirky, loving and compassionate. She's full of life and she's busy, she's all over the place and yet right where you need her to be when it's most important. At first glance she can leave you feeling uneasy but it's just because her "filter" isn't always working. :)
I didn't always see what I see right now. I didn't always see just how amazing she was. A year ago I went through a really tough time. She was there, she listened and she let me cry. She encouraged me to move forward. She was there even when I didnt know I needed someone. She didn't jump on the band wagon when everyone else did, she sat there and told me what I was meant to hear not what I wanted to hear. She saved my marriage and she made me a better person. And although I knew I was "lucky" back then, I didnt fully understand it until now.
So... not everyone will "get" her or her ways although she'll never notice or care because it's not that important to her. But she's been wonderful to me, she's been great to me, she knew something was wrong when no one else did. I didn't have to tell her, she already knew.
~Thank You Amy
My journey to spirituality
I've started reading the bible for the first time in 28 years. I was raised baptist and catholic although we didn't attend church. I did attend the occasional bible school class though. As I got older and went to private school for the later of my high school years, I started to steer clear of religion because I simply didn't believe/agree with it. I still harbor some of those feelings today about some but that's neither here nor there.
I'm reading the bible and it's great. I read to Grace every night before bed and because her school is based on God's word, she always has comments or things to add which is great. I digress... In addition to reading the bible I've started keeping a prayer journal. I started this journal following a conversation I'd had with a friend of mine, Missy, one night. That journal has been my saving Grace. I'm not good at praying, can't lead a group of people in prayer without choking or skipping important words but I'm working on it. This journal is my personal relationship with God. I can pray for whomever I want to. I can pray for small things, big little, happy things, sad things. I can simply pray.
When I say my life has changed, I mean it really has changed. There was a time, not that long ago when I was first to jump on the gossip band wagon, it's not so satisfying anymore. I used to be the first to add a curse word to add color to my stories, it doesn't seem to help as much anymore. I was the first to judge a person's ugly shoe's or ill-fitted shirt but it doesn't seem worth it anymore. It seems like all of the negative is going away. This life really is short and even more than it is short, it is precious and I don't want to waste my time arguing, fighting, gossiping and complaining. I have so much to be thankful for and when I can't figure it out or accept it, I pray about it. I replaced the weekly complain/bash sessions with prayer. I write it down and I ask God to help me. I ask him to guide and when necessary I ask him to give me the words I need.
I'm not perfect... I still slip up and I do so more often than not but I'm better at catching myself and stopping before it goes to far. I am better to shifting the negative conversations to positive stuff or just removing myself from it all together.
My relationships have changed. I was a person that wanted to be loved by everyone and sometimes I would exert so much energy trying to be a good person or the person other people needed in order to prove myself that I neglected the people that loved me just the way I was. I've learned to step away and do my best to live my life according to God's standard and no one else's. If I'm not the person you need, want and/or expect, that's ok with me now. I wish you the best of luck in the finding the person that is. And if you don't and you're willing to settle, I'll be there when you need.
God has opened my eyes to the people that really do love me. The people that want me to be a better person in his eye's. The people that accept me the way that I am are ok with the changes I've made in my life. He also helped me to accept that sometimes you have to let go of the people you thought would be there forever. My door will always be open to them but I'm better if I let go of any expectations I may have had.
That's all for now...
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