Not so long ago I loved my career. I still do love it but it's different now. Going from family of 4 to family of 5 seems much more dramatic than I could have ever imagined. Once upon a time I was able to manage work, being a wife, motherhood and general life pretty well. I was able to write sweet anniversary cards, do craft projects with the kids, keep up with memory books for the kids, remember friends birthdays and attend weddings (usually with kids in tow). Today I feel like I can barely find time to change clothes let along juggle the many joys of life!
It seems as though my maternal brain has been calling. I think it's time to slow down and enjoy the small joys and appreciate the small moments while they're happening instead of through the lens of a memory. The trouble is my maternal brain and my life brain are struggling to find a compromise. Leaving behind a career I've worked 10 years to build, even if only partly leaving it behind, is a daunting thought. Work is filled with task list, deadlines and little boxes to be checked off and just about everything I do has an instruction manual and when an instruction manual wasn't there, I created one. So even though I consider my place in the working world to be an important one, the ramifications for screwing up there are nothing compared to those when you mess-up as a wife, mother, friend, etc. I've never been a stay-at-home mom, or a Betty Crocker/Martha Stewart kind of wife. How do I make such an important change? Will I be able to teach Cam? Will I be able to pick Grace up each day when school ends and come home and happily entertain her and teach her? Will I be able to create art projects and sly ways to teach life lessons to she and Cameron and Maddie? OR will I lose my mind? Will I get caught up my OCD tendencies for cleaning house and making to-do lists for my already existing to-do lists? I so desperately crave completeness right now. I keep thinking that if I get organized, get the girls rooms done, get Cam's room done, clean the garage, and go through the mail I'll feel better. Those things seem so impossible at times.
I need to learn how to accept things as they are and enjoy them as they are. I'm the kind of person that can't sit still in my own kitchen (even when I'm alone) if there is a dish towel crumpled by the sink. If I walk past a table and the chairs are not neatly and precisely angled I have to nudge them into place. I despise our coat rack because I think it looks messy yet it's a necessity in our house. I have saved pages and pages of DIY projects and crafts so that maybe one day I'll be able to separate them into groups of "do it myself," "do it with the kids" and "do it while Todd's home so he doesn't freak out at the mess I'll have to make." Yet my closet is the absolute messiest thing you will ever see. I have to clean it once a week.
I digressed a bit...
How do I manage the compromise between my maternal brain and my life brain? How can I create a schedule to do all of the things I want to do? My plan is great but I can't seem to make it a reality. I want to work 2 full days in the office, one from home and spend the other two with Cam. I'd like to be able to exercise 4 days a week and once a weekend. I'd like to cook 5 days a week. I'd like to cut coupons and make menu plans. I'd like to have my 3 days a week complete by 2 p.m. so I can pick the kids up and be home by 2:45 to do homework and then play board games or take walks around the block. I'd like an every other week date night with Todd and Wednesdays when he's playing basketball would be my date night with the kids. I'd like an every other week date night with the girls. Painting, or sewing or cooking classes. I'd like to print out pictures from the last 7 years of raising kids and organize a year by year book for each of them.
I want to have a routine. An organized life that can accept randomness with freaking out! I'd like to get good sleep at night and enjoy Sunday's after church hanging out and doing family stuff! I want to look young when I'm 40 and feel good and healthy.
In closing, I'm turning it over to God for he will guide me.
Friday, February 25, 2011
Thursday, February 24, 2011
The best things are free!
Life has escaped my grip. I can remember a time when I swore I would never get too busy or make excuses or put off staying on top of blogging, updating pictures of the kids, making memory books and writing in the kids journals. I'm laughing at myself now for having such a foolish thought! Seriously... just thinking of organizing 7 years worth the accumulated pictures, moments and memories spread over three very active and funny kids pains me. (in a good way of course).
The cliff note version of life lately -
This past Saturday (2/19) Grace said the most amazing thing ever to me! We'd spent the day working in the yard, all 4 of us, planting flowers and playing around. When we were done that afternoon we swam for a bit then Todd and Cam went to pick up dinner for us. Grace and I were getting to bath and I was sitting on the side of the tub running the water and she walked up and put her arm around my waist and said "Momma, I'm glad I'm glad I'm your kid." Just like that, matter of factly with a hint of sweetness. My eyes watered up as I hugged her and told her that that was the nicest thing anyone had ever said to me. That moment is forever engrained in my soul. (Thank you, God, for that moment.)
Maddie is almost as big as me. I swear she's going to pass me up soon. Smart as can be. She's reading more and more these days. I love that she likes to read, it makes me feel like she has a little part of me in her. I bought her a really cool kid dictionary the other day and while that seems boring, it's actually a pretty cool book if you think about! (my thoughts will need to follow in a separate post or I'll get way too side tracked). Maddie is doing great at St. George and just got accepted to play city soccer. Watching her play this year was so fun, she's competitive yet so graceful. She scored the most goals in every game but never once was she boastful. I can honestly say that I don't think I have ever met a more rounded child that Maddie. Her heart is the size of the moon!
Cam is a walking, talking, climbing ball of fire. He's grown so quickly and he's so smart. He can count to 13 and say his ABC's and you'd better watch your every word because he can and he WILL repeat whatever you say! He climbs on everything. Thankfully I'm used to it now and he's sort of gotten over the newness of the whole idea because for a while there I had to keep all barstools and chairs picked up or he'd push and climb on everything. I gave him his first big haircut two weeks ago. His curls were out of control and getting really long and while I don't mind the shaggy look the front was a bit too long. I figured if Todd took him to the barber they'd cut his curls off and if anyone was doing that, for better or for worse, it was going to be me. I bathed him and washed his hair and sat in the leather chair watching TV and stood behind and just pulled and cut randomly while praying for the best! Thankfully for me, it came out pretty good but I did promise that that would be the last time I'd cut his hair. With his curls and big cheeks and animated personality, he does have direct access to my heart. It's funny how different it is with a boy. The mom/son relationship is so different, it's like we depend on each other for the exact opposite things creating the perfect balance.
The cliff note version of life lately -
This past Saturday (2/19) Grace said the most amazing thing ever to me! We'd spent the day working in the yard, all 4 of us, planting flowers and playing around. When we were done that afternoon we swam for a bit then Todd and Cam went to pick up dinner for us. Grace and I were getting to bath and I was sitting on the side of the tub running the water and she walked up and put her arm around my waist and said "Momma, I'm glad I'm glad I'm your kid." Just like that, matter of factly with a hint of sweetness. My eyes watered up as I hugged her and told her that that was the nicest thing anyone had ever said to me. That moment is forever engrained in my soul. (Thank you, God, for that moment.)
Maddie is almost as big as me. I swear she's going to pass me up soon. Smart as can be. She's reading more and more these days. I love that she likes to read, it makes me feel like she has a little part of me in her. I bought her a really cool kid dictionary the other day and while that seems boring, it's actually a pretty cool book if you think about! (my thoughts will need to follow in a separate post or I'll get way too side tracked). Maddie is doing great at St. George and just got accepted to play city soccer. Watching her play this year was so fun, she's competitive yet so graceful. She scored the most goals in every game but never once was she boastful. I can honestly say that I don't think I have ever met a more rounded child that Maddie. Her heart is the size of the moon!
Cam is a walking, talking, climbing ball of fire. He's grown so quickly and he's so smart. He can count to 13 and say his ABC's and you'd better watch your every word because he can and he WILL repeat whatever you say! He climbs on everything. Thankfully I'm used to it now and he's sort of gotten over the newness of the whole idea because for a while there I had to keep all barstools and chairs picked up or he'd push and climb on everything. I gave him his first big haircut two weeks ago. His curls were out of control and getting really long and while I don't mind the shaggy look the front was a bit too long. I figured if Todd took him to the barber they'd cut his curls off and if anyone was doing that, for better or for worse, it was going to be me. I bathed him and washed his hair and sat in the leather chair watching TV and stood behind and just pulled and cut randomly while praying for the best! Thankfully for me, it came out pretty good but I did promise that that would be the last time I'd cut his hair. With his curls and big cheeks and animated personality, he does have direct access to my heart. It's funny how different it is with a boy. The mom/son relationship is so different, it's like we depend on each other for the exact opposite things creating the perfect balance.
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