Sunday, September 2, 2012
And they're off...
Once again time has flown right on by! Madison started 3rd grade this year, Grace 1st grade and Cameron is PreK3!!! All three are loving school. Everyone kept asking if I cried on Cam's first day - he is the baby after all. Oddly enough I didn't. Not even after he practically jumped out of the car only looking back to give me a big ole wave goodbye! He actually started screaming "let me out" as Grace got out of the car. I guess he thought they were going to close the door before he could get out. More than sadness that he's growing up, I felt proud that he's secure and ready to take on school and new friends. I feel like all three of them know they are loved and cared for and supported. That feels good. Todd and I are blessed beyond words for the family and friends God has placed in our lives. They are equally as responsible for the goodness in our three kids.
Friday, February 25, 2011
The maternal change.
Not so long ago I loved my career. I still do love it but it's different now. Going from family of 4 to family of 5 seems much more dramatic than I could have ever imagined. Once upon a time I was able to manage work, being a wife, motherhood and general life pretty well. I was able to write sweet anniversary cards, do craft projects with the kids, keep up with memory books for the kids, remember friends birthdays and attend weddings (usually with kids in tow). Today I feel like I can barely find time to change clothes let along juggle the many joys of life!
It seems as though my maternal brain has been calling. I think it's time to slow down and enjoy the small joys and appreciate the small moments while they're happening instead of through the lens of a memory. The trouble is my maternal brain and my life brain are struggling to find a compromise. Leaving behind a career I've worked 10 years to build, even if only partly leaving it behind, is a daunting thought. Work is filled with task list, deadlines and little boxes to be checked off and just about everything I do has an instruction manual and when an instruction manual wasn't there, I created one. So even though I consider my place in the working world to be an important one, the ramifications for screwing up there are nothing compared to those when you mess-up as a wife, mother, friend, etc. I've never been a stay-at-home mom, or a Betty Crocker/Martha Stewart kind of wife. How do I make such an important change? Will I be able to teach Cam? Will I be able to pick Grace up each day when school ends and come home and happily entertain her and teach her? Will I be able to create art projects and sly ways to teach life lessons to she and Cameron and Maddie? OR will I lose my mind? Will I get caught up my OCD tendencies for cleaning house and making to-do lists for my already existing to-do lists? I so desperately crave completeness right now. I keep thinking that if I get organized, get the girls rooms done, get Cam's room done, clean the garage, and go through the mail I'll feel better. Those things seem so impossible at times.
I need to learn how to accept things as they are and enjoy them as they are. I'm the kind of person that can't sit still in my own kitchen (even when I'm alone) if there is a dish towel crumpled by the sink. If I walk past a table and the chairs are not neatly and precisely angled I have to nudge them into place. I despise our coat rack because I think it looks messy yet it's a necessity in our house. I have saved pages and pages of DIY projects and crafts so that maybe one day I'll be able to separate them into groups of "do it myself," "do it with the kids" and "do it while Todd's home so he doesn't freak out at the mess I'll have to make." Yet my closet is the absolute messiest thing you will ever see. I have to clean it once a week.
I digressed a bit...
How do I manage the compromise between my maternal brain and my life brain? How can I create a schedule to do all of the things I want to do? My plan is great but I can't seem to make it a reality. I want to work 2 full days in the office, one from home and spend the other two with Cam. I'd like to be able to exercise 4 days a week and once a weekend. I'd like to cook 5 days a week. I'd like to cut coupons and make menu plans. I'd like to have my 3 days a week complete by 2 p.m. so I can pick the kids up and be home by 2:45 to do homework and then play board games or take walks around the block. I'd like an every other week date night with Todd and Wednesdays when he's playing basketball would be my date night with the kids. I'd like an every other week date night with the girls. Painting, or sewing or cooking classes. I'd like to print out pictures from the last 7 years of raising kids and organize a year by year book for each of them.
I want to have a routine. An organized life that can accept randomness with freaking out! I'd like to get good sleep at night and enjoy Sunday's after church hanging out and doing family stuff! I want to look young when I'm 40 and feel good and healthy.
In closing, I'm turning it over to God for he will guide me.
It seems as though my maternal brain has been calling. I think it's time to slow down and enjoy the small joys and appreciate the small moments while they're happening instead of through the lens of a memory. The trouble is my maternal brain and my life brain are struggling to find a compromise. Leaving behind a career I've worked 10 years to build, even if only partly leaving it behind, is a daunting thought. Work is filled with task list, deadlines and little boxes to be checked off and just about everything I do has an instruction manual and when an instruction manual wasn't there, I created one. So even though I consider my place in the working world to be an important one, the ramifications for screwing up there are nothing compared to those when you mess-up as a wife, mother, friend, etc. I've never been a stay-at-home mom, or a Betty Crocker/Martha Stewart kind of wife. How do I make such an important change? Will I be able to teach Cam? Will I be able to pick Grace up each day when school ends and come home and happily entertain her and teach her? Will I be able to create art projects and sly ways to teach life lessons to she and Cameron and Maddie? OR will I lose my mind? Will I get caught up my OCD tendencies for cleaning house and making to-do lists for my already existing to-do lists? I so desperately crave completeness right now. I keep thinking that if I get organized, get the girls rooms done, get Cam's room done, clean the garage, and go through the mail I'll feel better. Those things seem so impossible at times.
I need to learn how to accept things as they are and enjoy them as they are. I'm the kind of person that can't sit still in my own kitchen (even when I'm alone) if there is a dish towel crumpled by the sink. If I walk past a table and the chairs are not neatly and precisely angled I have to nudge them into place. I despise our coat rack because I think it looks messy yet it's a necessity in our house. I have saved pages and pages of DIY projects and crafts so that maybe one day I'll be able to separate them into groups of "do it myself," "do it with the kids" and "do it while Todd's home so he doesn't freak out at the mess I'll have to make." Yet my closet is the absolute messiest thing you will ever see. I have to clean it once a week.
I digressed a bit...
How do I manage the compromise between my maternal brain and my life brain? How can I create a schedule to do all of the things I want to do? My plan is great but I can't seem to make it a reality. I want to work 2 full days in the office, one from home and spend the other two with Cam. I'd like to be able to exercise 4 days a week and once a weekend. I'd like to cook 5 days a week. I'd like to cut coupons and make menu plans. I'd like to have my 3 days a week complete by 2 p.m. so I can pick the kids up and be home by 2:45 to do homework and then play board games or take walks around the block. I'd like an every other week date night with Todd and Wednesdays when he's playing basketball would be my date night with the kids. I'd like an every other week date night with the girls. Painting, or sewing or cooking classes. I'd like to print out pictures from the last 7 years of raising kids and organize a year by year book for each of them.
I want to have a routine. An organized life that can accept randomness with freaking out! I'd like to get good sleep at night and enjoy Sunday's after church hanging out and doing family stuff! I want to look young when I'm 40 and feel good and healthy.
In closing, I'm turning it over to God for he will guide me.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
The best things are free!
Life has escaped my grip. I can remember a time when I swore I would never get too busy or make excuses or put off staying on top of blogging, updating pictures of the kids, making memory books and writing in the kids journals. I'm laughing at myself now for having such a foolish thought! Seriously... just thinking of organizing 7 years worth the accumulated pictures, moments and memories spread over three very active and funny kids pains me. (in a good way of course).
The cliff note version of life lately -
This past Saturday (2/19) Grace said the most amazing thing ever to me! We'd spent the day working in the yard, all 4 of us, planting flowers and playing around. When we were done that afternoon we swam for a bit then Todd and Cam went to pick up dinner for us. Grace and I were getting to bath and I was sitting on the side of the tub running the water and she walked up and put her arm around my waist and said "Momma, I'm glad I'm glad I'm your kid." Just like that, matter of factly with a hint of sweetness. My eyes watered up as I hugged her and told her that that was the nicest thing anyone had ever said to me. That moment is forever engrained in my soul. (Thank you, God, for that moment.)
Maddie is almost as big as me. I swear she's going to pass me up soon. Smart as can be. She's reading more and more these days. I love that she likes to read, it makes me feel like she has a little part of me in her. I bought her a really cool kid dictionary the other day and while that seems boring, it's actually a pretty cool book if you think about! (my thoughts will need to follow in a separate post or I'll get way too side tracked). Maddie is doing great at St. George and just got accepted to play city soccer. Watching her play this year was so fun, she's competitive yet so graceful. She scored the most goals in every game but never once was she boastful. I can honestly say that I don't think I have ever met a more rounded child that Maddie. Her heart is the size of the moon!
Cam is a walking, talking, climbing ball of fire. He's grown so quickly and he's so smart. He can count to 13 and say his ABC's and you'd better watch your every word because he can and he WILL repeat whatever you say! He climbs on everything. Thankfully I'm used to it now and he's sort of gotten over the newness of the whole idea because for a while there I had to keep all barstools and chairs picked up or he'd push and climb on everything. I gave him his first big haircut two weeks ago. His curls were out of control and getting really long and while I don't mind the shaggy look the front was a bit too long. I figured if Todd took him to the barber they'd cut his curls off and if anyone was doing that, for better or for worse, it was going to be me. I bathed him and washed his hair and sat in the leather chair watching TV and stood behind and just pulled and cut randomly while praying for the best! Thankfully for me, it came out pretty good but I did promise that that would be the last time I'd cut his hair. With his curls and big cheeks and animated personality, he does have direct access to my heart. It's funny how different it is with a boy. The mom/son relationship is so different, it's like we depend on each other for the exact opposite things creating the perfect balance.
The cliff note version of life lately -
This past Saturday (2/19) Grace said the most amazing thing ever to me! We'd spent the day working in the yard, all 4 of us, planting flowers and playing around. When we were done that afternoon we swam for a bit then Todd and Cam went to pick up dinner for us. Grace and I were getting to bath and I was sitting on the side of the tub running the water and she walked up and put her arm around my waist and said "Momma, I'm glad I'm glad I'm your kid." Just like that, matter of factly with a hint of sweetness. My eyes watered up as I hugged her and told her that that was the nicest thing anyone had ever said to me. That moment is forever engrained in my soul. (Thank you, God, for that moment.)
Maddie is almost as big as me. I swear she's going to pass me up soon. Smart as can be. She's reading more and more these days. I love that she likes to read, it makes me feel like she has a little part of me in her. I bought her a really cool kid dictionary the other day and while that seems boring, it's actually a pretty cool book if you think about! (my thoughts will need to follow in a separate post or I'll get way too side tracked). Maddie is doing great at St. George and just got accepted to play city soccer. Watching her play this year was so fun, she's competitive yet so graceful. She scored the most goals in every game but never once was she boastful. I can honestly say that I don't think I have ever met a more rounded child that Maddie. Her heart is the size of the moon!
Cam is a walking, talking, climbing ball of fire. He's grown so quickly and he's so smart. He can count to 13 and say his ABC's and you'd better watch your every word because he can and he WILL repeat whatever you say! He climbs on everything. Thankfully I'm used to it now and he's sort of gotten over the newness of the whole idea because for a while there I had to keep all barstools and chairs picked up or he'd push and climb on everything. I gave him his first big haircut two weeks ago. His curls were out of control and getting really long and while I don't mind the shaggy look the front was a bit too long. I figured if Todd took him to the barber they'd cut his curls off and if anyone was doing that, for better or for worse, it was going to be me. I bathed him and washed his hair and sat in the leather chair watching TV and stood behind and just pulled and cut randomly while praying for the best! Thankfully for me, it came out pretty good but I did promise that that would be the last time I'd cut his hair. With his curls and big cheeks and animated personality, he does have direct access to my heart. It's funny how different it is with a boy. The mom/son relationship is so different, it's like we depend on each other for the exact opposite things creating the perfect balance.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
It's been a while...
I can't beleive it's been so long since I've written...
Cameron was 10 months old on Friday. I can't beleive it! It seems like only yesterday I was counting down the days since he was born. He is the absolute cutest little boy I've ever been blessed enough to lay eyes on. Big and pinchable cheeks, perfectly blue eyes and HUGE. He's perfect in every way. Just like his big his big sisters. He is every bit of Todd except that he gets his big round head from me. :) I didn't know having a son would be so different from a daughter. It feels like yesterday I was holding and hugging and kissing him, all of which he loved just as much as I did. And today, he's strong and interested in everything around him instead of just me. My heart is breaking a little. Todd walks into a room and I swear this child lights up like the Time Square christmas tree. I walk in a he smiles but it's not like the excitement he shows when his daddy walks in. Bitter sweet I suppose because I do know how lucky he is to have a daddy like Todd. Still... the selfish side of me is not ready to play "second" haha. I miss those sweet days when it was just he and I. Looking forward to his every move, the quietness that lingered each day when I was home with him on maternity leave.
He's just growing up too fast to say the least. It's funny because sometimes I panic at the thought of what he's picking up at daycare. He seems to have gone from my sweet and precious little man to an almost toddler that now pushes away when something else is more interesting. I told Todd that we needed to move him to another sitter or I needed to quit my job because he was learning bad habits. He's started pinching and being more aggressive. I rationalized it as he's the youngest in the class but because he's so big and tall for his age people think he's older so since he's with older kids, he's obviously having to defend himself so that's where he's learning to push and "hit." Todd kinda of laughed and me. As a dad he's probably proud of his big, strong boy. I, on other hand, am praying that he'll be strong but still gentle and kind. With Grace and Maddie I guess I didnt really think of those things. I, as their mother and woman in general, wanted them be strong and independent and able to defend themselves.
Again, funny how different it is with girls vs. boys.
Maddie is doing great. Growing by the minute it seems. She's tall and beautiful beyond words and kind beyond her years. A great friend of mine, Mrs. Chris, used to call me an "old soul." That is how I best describe Maddie. She's wise and kind and loving beyond her years. She just got accepted into a great private school. Each student was required to pass a test with an 88 and she scored a 92. She's so smart. It's funny because she can hear a song once and she'll remember and be able to sing just about every word the very next time it comes on. She's playing soccer and she's in girl scouts. I can't beleive it's already time for First Grade!
Grace is still Grace! haha. Her last day of school was last Thursday. Now that she's home she thinks everyday will be an adventure where she gets to play with someone or have a sleep over. This kid loves sleep overs and it's funny because if she goes to Rhett or Hunter's house you better beleive she's in bed with Aunt Missy or Aunt Amy. She makes sure that's ok before she's goes anywhere. She can't wear dresses or mary janes to school anymore because if's not wearing her "running shoes" she can't run as fast as Rhett Taylor at recess. Yep, that's what she told me. And I've never met another kid that loves socks so much. And only "baby" socks. She only likes ankle socks. (she gets that from me) One morning Todd said something about her socks not matching and she told him she had different colors on because they looked like a rainbow!
Todd and I went to Costa Rica a few weeks ago. It was nothing short of amazing. It was exactly what we needed. We laughed and talked like we did when we started dating. The iguana will forever be our "thing." We layed in the hammock, relaxed at the pool, napped during the day and ordered room service (one of my favorite things in the world). Gosh, we've come so far. He is my bestfriend. I love coming home to him even when he makes me mad! I am so proud and lucky to have him as my husband and the father of my children.
I'm all grown up now. Some days I still can't beleive it. I still think to myself and wonder where the time went. At least once a week I say to myself "You're here, can you beleive it? Is it everything you imagined it would be when you were young?"
Cameron was 10 months old on Friday. I can't beleive it! It seems like only yesterday I was counting down the days since he was born. He is the absolute cutest little boy I've ever been blessed enough to lay eyes on. Big and pinchable cheeks, perfectly blue eyes and HUGE. He's perfect in every way. Just like his big his big sisters. He is every bit of Todd except that he gets his big round head from me. :) I didn't know having a son would be so different from a daughter. It feels like yesterday I was holding and hugging and kissing him, all of which he loved just as much as I did. And today, he's strong and interested in everything around him instead of just me. My heart is breaking a little. Todd walks into a room and I swear this child lights up like the Time Square christmas tree. I walk in a he smiles but it's not like the excitement he shows when his daddy walks in. Bitter sweet I suppose because I do know how lucky he is to have a daddy like Todd. Still... the selfish side of me is not ready to play "second" haha. I miss those sweet days when it was just he and I. Looking forward to his every move, the quietness that lingered each day when I was home with him on maternity leave.
He's just growing up too fast to say the least. It's funny because sometimes I panic at the thought of what he's picking up at daycare. He seems to have gone from my sweet and precious little man to an almost toddler that now pushes away when something else is more interesting. I told Todd that we needed to move him to another sitter or I needed to quit my job because he was learning bad habits. He's started pinching and being more aggressive. I rationalized it as he's the youngest in the class but because he's so big and tall for his age people think he's older so since he's with older kids, he's obviously having to defend himself so that's where he's learning to push and "hit." Todd kinda of laughed and me. As a dad he's probably proud of his big, strong boy. I, on other hand, am praying that he'll be strong but still gentle and kind. With Grace and Maddie I guess I didnt really think of those things. I, as their mother and woman in general, wanted them be strong and independent and able to defend themselves.
Again, funny how different it is with girls vs. boys.
Maddie is doing great. Growing by the minute it seems. She's tall and beautiful beyond words and kind beyond her years. A great friend of mine, Mrs. Chris, used to call me an "old soul." That is how I best describe Maddie. She's wise and kind and loving beyond her years. She just got accepted into a great private school. Each student was required to pass a test with an 88 and she scored a 92. She's so smart. It's funny because she can hear a song once and she'll remember and be able to sing just about every word the very next time it comes on. She's playing soccer and she's in girl scouts. I can't beleive it's already time for First Grade!
Grace is still Grace! haha. Her last day of school was last Thursday. Now that she's home she thinks everyday will be an adventure where she gets to play with someone or have a sleep over. This kid loves sleep overs and it's funny because if she goes to Rhett or Hunter's house you better beleive she's in bed with Aunt Missy or Aunt Amy. She makes sure that's ok before she's goes anywhere. She can't wear dresses or mary janes to school anymore because if's not wearing her "running shoes" she can't run as fast as Rhett Taylor at recess. Yep, that's what she told me. And I've never met another kid that loves socks so much. And only "baby" socks. She only likes ankle socks. (she gets that from me) One morning Todd said something about her socks not matching and she told him she had different colors on because they looked like a rainbow!
Todd and I went to Costa Rica a few weeks ago. It was nothing short of amazing. It was exactly what we needed. We laughed and talked like we did when we started dating. The iguana will forever be our "thing." We layed in the hammock, relaxed at the pool, napped during the day and ordered room service (one of my favorite things in the world). Gosh, we've come so far. He is my bestfriend. I love coming home to him even when he makes me mad! I am so proud and lucky to have him as my husband and the father of my children.
I'm all grown up now. Some days I still can't beleive it. I still think to myself and wonder where the time went. At least once a week I say to myself "You're here, can you beleive it? Is it everything you imagined it would be when you were young?"
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
The baptism, the family, the friends
Cameron was baptized Saturday. It was a beautiful day. He, as was the rest of my family, as beautiful as one can imagine. We had friends and family there to watch and support us. I felt like the luckiest person in the world. As father gathered us in the front, Uncle Ricky (Parain) held Cam with my sisters (Nanny Nic and Nanny Bran) right beside. Cameron watched Uncle Rick so contently the whole time. He didn't even move when the water was poured over his head. I was waiting for him to start laughing or "talking" because the sound of running water makes him scream with laughter but he was so peaceful and calm instead. For a brief moment, I looked around at all of our family watching, Aunt Terry was crying, mom was taking pictures (Thank Goodness for her) and dad was smiling from ear to ear.
As I listened to Father speak, I realized how truly important that day was, how much it meant. I'm not a religious person although I very much believe in and worship God. It wasn't about that, at least not for me, it was about my promise, Todd's promise, the godparents promise to be there for Cameron, to teach him and raise in the eye's of God. I stood there moved by the words Father spoke, by his kindness and his sincere desire for my child to be brought up knowing God. I knew at that moment that I needed to do my part, I needed to make sure that even on the Sunday's that I don't really feel like getting myself dressed let alone 22 or 3 kids, I need to. And it doesn't matter whether we go to St. Pius, or East Bayou, it matters that we go, as a family, and that we live it.
I used to "watch my mouth" when speaking about God depending on the audience but not so much anymore. I have had some truly amazing things happen in my life since opening my heart to him, not religion, but to God. I am not as judgmental about religion anymore, or about people, or about "things." I'm far from perfect but at least I am better at catching myself now. And I don't think so much coincidence anymore as I do blessing. My life has been enriched by so many people, sometimes I want to shout to the world, or even shake a person to get them to pray.
Speaking of prayer. Grace often says she doesn't know how to pray. Again why Saturday was such an amazing day... I was younger and less mature and in tune to what my true role was a parent when we baptized Grace. We said our prayers at night, but I never really talked to her about God or about prayer. This is my opportunity not only to teach Cameron but to help Grace as well. We're all growing together.
I've rambled quite a bit but in the end, my point is that it was a beuatiful day. My family was there, all the people that mattered most. Madison was front and center, on the verge of bursting with excitement and anticipation of getting her hands on Cameron.
Johnny and Shannon, Aunt Rebakah, PawPaw Bill and Tessi, Nanny Bonnie and Uncle John, Tandy and Clay, Mawmaw Hatti and PawPaw Claude... they were there for Todd and I and for our family. There was no better feeling in the world. It's not like baptizms are fun, and they weren't expecting a catered meal or door prizes, they were simply there to show their love and support for our family.
As I listened to Father speak, I realized how truly important that day was, how much it meant. I'm not a religious person although I very much believe in and worship God. It wasn't about that, at least not for me, it was about my promise, Todd's promise, the godparents promise to be there for Cameron, to teach him and raise in the eye's of God. I stood there moved by the words Father spoke, by his kindness and his sincere desire for my child to be brought up knowing God. I knew at that moment that I needed to do my part, I needed to make sure that even on the Sunday's that I don't really feel like getting myself dressed let alone 22 or 3 kids, I need to. And it doesn't matter whether we go to St. Pius, or East Bayou, it matters that we go, as a family, and that we live it.
I used to "watch my mouth" when speaking about God depending on the audience but not so much anymore. I have had some truly amazing things happen in my life since opening my heart to him, not religion, but to God. I am not as judgmental about religion anymore, or about people, or about "things." I'm far from perfect but at least I am better at catching myself now. And I don't think so much coincidence anymore as I do blessing. My life has been enriched by so many people, sometimes I want to shout to the world, or even shake a person to get them to pray.
Speaking of prayer. Grace often says she doesn't know how to pray. Again why Saturday was such an amazing day... I was younger and less mature and in tune to what my true role was a parent when we baptized Grace. We said our prayers at night, but I never really talked to her about God or about prayer. This is my opportunity not only to teach Cameron but to help Grace as well. We're all growing together.
I've rambled quite a bit but in the end, my point is that it was a beuatiful day. My family was there, all the people that mattered most. Madison was front and center, on the verge of bursting with excitement and anticipation of getting her hands on Cameron.
Johnny and Shannon, Aunt Rebakah, PawPaw Bill and Tessi, Nanny Bonnie and Uncle John, Tandy and Clay, Mawmaw Hatti and PawPaw Claude... they were there for Todd and I and for our family. There was no better feeling in the world. It's not like baptizms are fun, and they weren't expecting a catered meal or door prizes, they were simply there to show their love and support for our family.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: IT GOES ON
A quote by Robert Frost.
Very fitting for today and the thoughts that have been floating around in this crazy, unpredictable mind I have!
It is quite simple isn't it? No matter what. No matter how big or how small. LIFE GOES ON. Chaos, hurt, fear, pain, love, laughter, miracles... these things effect each of us differently but at the end of the day, life goes on no matter how you feel. If I pray for the war to end, and the poor child in Iraq is praying for it to continue so he can walk his streets freely one day, who's prayer does God answer?
Even if a person selfishly ends their own life, no matter how much hurt they leave behind, no matter how much we think we can't go on or how we don't think we can bare the pain... eventually Life does go on.
The tragedy of Katrina and Rita, the tragedy of the tsunami, the tragedy of the earth quake in Haiti. We all feel it, it's raw right now but next week, it won't so raw. Next week the news will turn back to Tiger Woods or some other "none of our business" senseless media and the real tragedies won't be so tragic anymore, at least not for everyone like it is right now. Because life does go on, people turn the TV off, switch the radio station and go on about everyday life.
It's not all negative though. I don't mean that. It's a blessing that life goes on. The mistake I make today can be wiped away tomorrow. The fact that life does go on is a chance to start over, a chance to be better.
Very fitting for today and the thoughts that have been floating around in this crazy, unpredictable mind I have!
It is quite simple isn't it? No matter what. No matter how big or how small. LIFE GOES ON. Chaos, hurt, fear, pain, love, laughter, miracles... these things effect each of us differently but at the end of the day, life goes on no matter how you feel. If I pray for the war to end, and the poor child in Iraq is praying for it to continue so he can walk his streets freely one day, who's prayer does God answer?
Even if a person selfishly ends their own life, no matter how much hurt they leave behind, no matter how much we think we can't go on or how we don't think we can bare the pain... eventually Life does go on.
The tragedy of Katrina and Rita, the tragedy of the tsunami, the tragedy of the earth quake in Haiti. We all feel it, it's raw right now but next week, it won't so raw. Next week the news will turn back to Tiger Woods or some other "none of our business" senseless media and the real tragedies won't be so tragic anymore, at least not for everyone like it is right now. Because life does go on, people turn the TV off, switch the radio station and go on about everyday life.
It's not all negative though. I don't mean that. It's a blessing that life goes on. The mistake I make today can be wiped away tomorrow. The fact that life does go on is a chance to start over, a chance to be better.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Little sister
It'll probably take years before you understand where I come from, why I am the way I am, why I drive you crazy and why I do the the things I do. It's not easy to explain the way I feel about you... I want so badly to see you happy and successful and I don't mean successful in the materialistic sense of the word. I want you to succeed in whatever you do. I want you to have every opportunity that life has to offer. I never want you to settle or take the easy way out. I want you to have all of the confidence in yourself that I have in you, I want you to go feet first into every turn your path offers up. I suppose that now that I have children my own, my feelings for you are much like that of a mothers for her child. Our age difference allows more room that feeling as opposed to the typical love/hate relationship most siblings share.
When it comes to being a big sister I seem to have a very bad case of "open mouth, insert foot" syndrome. I have this problem in general but it seems to really shine when it comes to my ability to play the big sister role.
Although I went through most of nearly 10 years ago it still feels like yesterday but I've gone through most of what you're encountering now. I've seen the excitement, the confusion, the hurt, the love, the pain, the adventures, the lust, the struggle, the lack of faith, the yearning to fit in. I've seen and felt it all to the absolute core. So in addition to my OMIF syndrome, I also have a case of "been there, done that - now let me tell you all about it and spare you the pain" which often equates to a whole lot of me talking and you silently wishing I would shut up and save it for someone else! Believe it or not, I do understand. Half the time I wish I could shut me up too. BUT... I do want to spare you all of the bad parts even when I know that the bad parts are what make us stronger and help us to grow.
I can't promise never to give my opinion again. Hell, I did that recently and just this afternoon there I went trying to insert help into your life again. I even caught myself mid-sentence and still couldn't stop myself. It was like I was mentally kicking myself in the butt and still, I just had to keep going. Again, I can't promise to keep my mouth shut but I can promise to try and I can promise you that no matter how much I mess up, no matter much I drive you crazy, I really never mean to hurt you. My lectures and/or speeches are not meant to hurt you, they're not even meant to tell you how to live your life. They are simply me trying to help you and when possible guide down the path with the least amount of unneccesary hurt.
At the end of the day, the end of every day I love you for who you are. I love you when make "stupid" decisions, I love you when you make great decision. I love you when you succeed and when you fail. I love your faults and I love your flaws. I love everything there is to love about you, good and bad. And just so you know, the good and the great, the beautiful and the caring in you all outweigh the flaws. You are an amazing little sister whom I will always admire more than words will be able to express.
Your strong will and stubborness drive me crazy but I love you. Your heart of gold is my weakness.
So at the end of today I am thanking God for you. I am thanking Mom and Dad for you.
I love you little sister...
Love, Sissy
When it comes to being a big sister I seem to have a very bad case of "open mouth, insert foot" syndrome. I have this problem in general but it seems to really shine when it comes to my ability to play the big sister role.
Although I went through most of nearly 10 years ago it still feels like yesterday but I've gone through most of what you're encountering now. I've seen the excitement, the confusion, the hurt, the love, the pain, the adventures, the lust, the struggle, the lack of faith, the yearning to fit in. I've seen and felt it all to the absolute core. So in addition to my OMIF syndrome, I also have a case of "been there, done that - now let me tell you all about it and spare you the pain" which often equates to a whole lot of me talking and you silently wishing I would shut up and save it for someone else! Believe it or not, I do understand. Half the time I wish I could shut me up too. BUT... I do want to spare you all of the bad parts even when I know that the bad parts are what make us stronger and help us to grow.
I can't promise never to give my opinion again. Hell, I did that recently and just this afternoon there I went trying to insert help into your life again. I even caught myself mid-sentence and still couldn't stop myself. It was like I was mentally kicking myself in the butt and still, I just had to keep going. Again, I can't promise to keep my mouth shut but I can promise to try and I can promise you that no matter how much I mess up, no matter much I drive you crazy, I really never mean to hurt you. My lectures and/or speeches are not meant to hurt you, they're not even meant to tell you how to live your life. They are simply me trying to help you and when possible guide down the path with the least amount of unneccesary hurt.
At the end of the day, the end of every day I love you for who you are. I love you when make "stupid" decisions, I love you when you make great decision. I love you when you succeed and when you fail. I love your faults and I love your flaws. I love everything there is to love about you, good and bad. And just so you know, the good and the great, the beautiful and the caring in you all outweigh the flaws. You are an amazing little sister whom I will always admire more than words will be able to express.
Your strong will and stubborness drive me crazy but I love you. Your heart of gold is my weakness.
So at the end of today I am thanking God for you. I am thanking Mom and Dad for you.
I love you little sister...
Love, Sissy
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